You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 395: Tween Years 101: As Your Tween’s Identity Shifts, So Does Your Role as a Mom
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey, Mama! Welcome back to the podcast. And if you’re new here, welcome. I have a feeling you’re really going to connect with what we’re talking about today. Thanks to my amazing listeners who emailed me some topic ideas recently, I’m kicking off a brand new mini-series about the tween years, and I’m genuinely excited about it because this stage doesn’t get enough attention. We hear a lot about toddlers and their tantrums, and we hear a lot about teenagers and all the drama that comes with that, but the in-between stage, roughly ages nine to twelve, is a really significant time. And I think a lot of moms feel blindsided by it because nobody warned us what was coming. Now, I know that not everyone listening has a tween right now, and I want you to know that this series is still very much for you. If your kids are little, this’ll give you a heads up on what’s coming and some really useful context for understanding the foundation you’re building right now. If you’re already past the tween years, I think you’re going to find yourself nodding along and maybe making sense of some things in hindsight. And if you’re in it right now, then you’re exactly who I had in mind when I sat down to record this. So, let’s get into it because if you don’t understand what’s happening in this stage, it’s very easy to take your tween’s behavior personally.
The first thing I want you to understand is that what your tween is going through right now is one of the most significant developmental periods of their entire life. I know that sounds big, but the research actually backs this up. According to developmental psychologists, ages nine through twelve is when children begin the process of figuring out who they are as individuals — their values, their identities, and their sense of self — and a huge part of that process involves pulling away from their parents and moving toward their peers. Researchers describe this as the beginning of identity formation, and it’s not optional. It’s not a phase your kid is choosing out of nowhere. It’s literally what’s supposed to happen at this age. Tweens shift from being parent-focused to being peer-focused and caring deeply about being accepted and fitting in. They often try on different personalities and styles as they figure out their identity. One month they’re obsessed with a certain friend group or a certain look, and then a few months later it’s completely different and you’re like, wait, what? It’s not your kid being flaky — they’re doing the developmental work of figuring out who they are.
Now, what’s happening in their brains during this time is also really interesting. The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, reasoning, and weighing consequences — is still very much under construction. Practically, that means your tween is capable of some really impressive thinking, but they don’t have the life experience or the emotional regulation yet to back it all up. So you get this kid who seems way more confident and opinionated than they were a year ago, but also kind of all over the place emotionally. And that combination can be really confusing and maddening for parents. You’re watching your child grow in some ways and seem to regress in others. Both are happening at the same time, and both are completely normal. Another thing that’s really important to note is that your tween is going through a big shift in where they feel belonging. For most of their childhood, you were the center of their world. You were who they looked to for safety, approval, and connection. And now, developmentally, that starts to transfer over to their peer group. But what I’ve seen over and over again in my work with moms, and what I know to be true from my years as a school counselor and a mother of two, is that even though kids at this age are pulling away from their parents, they still very much need your support and guidance. They just can’t always show you that.
So, let’s talk about your experience as a mom. I’m not gonna lie. Emotionally, this stage can be really tough. When your tween starts pulling away from you, it can sting. And not just a little sting. You can feel genuine hurt, grief, and rejection. You reach out to hold their hand and they pull away. You try to talk to them about their day and they barely look at you as they mumble something. You suggest hanging out together and it’s like they’d rather do anything else. I remember trying to give Marissa hugs and she’d give me these really awkward ones back. Those experiences activate something in your nervous system that reads as a threat to connection, which is one of our most fundamental human needs. And what tends to happen is that moms respond in one of three ways. They either react by planning more activities, asking more questions, trying harder and harder to get back what they feel like they’re losing – or they start withdrawing themselves, because being repeatedly rejected is painful. Eventually they protect themselves from it by just staying away. Or they double-down on rules, monitoring, and micro-managing as a way of trying to stop feeling so powerless. None of these responses is wrong. They make total sense. But none of them is actually what your kid needs from you right now.
Author and counselor Laura Choate describes the pull your child has to separate from you as a “biological mandate” — meaning that all children are wired to pull away from their parents in order to prove, to themselves and to the world, that they’re separate individuals who are capable of becoming adults. The part I think is kind of beautiful, even though it doesn’t feel beautiful in the moment, is that when a kid pushes you away, it’s often because they feel secure in the relationship. Yes, they’re taking your love for granted, temporarily, because on some level they trust it’s not going anywhere. I’m not saying that makes the grunts and the eye rolls feel great, but it reframes them in a way that can help your nervous system calm down a little bit. Because instead of thinking about your kid’s distance as something that’s wrong between you, you can think about it as, “my kid is doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing right now, and the fact that they feel safe enough to do it with me actually says something good about our relationship.” There’s a quote by novelist Barbara Kingsolver that says, “Kids don’t stay with you if you do it right. It’s the one job where the better you are, the more surely you won’t be needed in the long run.”
So what do you do with all of this? Because understanding it is one thing, but living it is another. The first thing is to stay available without hovering. There’s a really specific kind of presence your tween needs from you right now. They need to know the door is open without you standing in it all the time. You don’t have to initiate every conversation. You don’t have to manufacture connection. You just want to be consistently and reliably there when they come to you, without making it weird when they don’t. The second thing is to get really honest with yourself about how much of your reaction to their pulling away is about them and how much of it is about you. What gets activated in us when our kids start to need us less is tied to our own stuff — our own fears about being left behind, our past experiences of being rejected, the parts of us that got wrapped up in being needed. And when your tween is triggering all of that without even knowing it, you’re not really responding to them anymore — you’re responding to something much older. And that’s worth having a look at. The third thing is to stay regulated. Because your regulated presence is actually the most important thing you can offer your tween right now. More than any activity you plan or any conversation you try to have. Kids this age are still very much watching their parents, even when it looks like they couldn’t care less. They’re taking cues from you about how to handle hard emotions, about how to stay connected even when things are uncomfortable, and what it looks like to be a grounded adult. And you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t sting when they pull away. But you want to make sure that the sting isn’t running the show.
So what I really want you to walk away with today is this: the kid who’s rolling their eyes at you right now still needs you. They just need you in a different way than they used to, and your job is to figure out what that way is instead of staying focused on the way it used to be. This stage is not a sign that something’s wrong. It’s a sign that your child is healthy and doing the developmental work they’re supposed to be doing. And the moms who come out the other side of the tween years with a strong relationship with their kids are not the ones who held on the tightest. They’re the ones who figured out how to stay present and regulated while giving their kid room to become who they’re becoming.
This is exactly the kind of work we do inside Damn Good Mama. If you want support learning how to stay steady and connected through this stage and into the teen years, applications are open now for our March 9th kickoff. You’ll find the details in the show notes or at lessdramamoremama.com. Next week, we’re talking about puberty — and not just the physical stuff, but the emotional and relational side of it, because that’s where it gets really interesting and where I think moms feel the most lost. So stay tuned for that one. And thanks so much for being here, Mama. I’ll talk to you again next time.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
