You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 399: 7 Things Loving Moms Do
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey Mama. Welcome back to the podcast. I can’t believe we’re at episode 399. Next week for episode 400, I’m doing something a little different. I’m recording an Ask Me Anything episode, and I’d love to include your voice. If there’s something you’ve been struggling with in your parenting, a situation that keeps coming up, or a question you’ve always wondered but never asked, you can leave me a voice message and I’ll answer it directly on next week’s podcast. Just go to lessdramamoremama.com/voicemail. You’ll have 90 seconds to tell me your name, where you’re from, and ask your question.
You know, people often ask me how I keep coming up with things to talk about week after week for over 7.5 years and there’s so much inspiration everywhere. For example, recently I was in an online training for my social work CEUs, and there was a slide titled, “What Loving Parents Do.” And that was the inspiration for today’s episode. I want to read you what that slide said. It said:
Loving parents provide their children with strong, solid emotional foundations.
Loving parents encourage healthy identity development.
Loving parents show their love in how they communicate with their children.
Loving parents protect their children.
Loving parents respect their children by listening to them.
Loving parents appropriately reassure and encourage their children with touch.
Loving parents guide their children through grieving.
Loving parents raise their children to work through life stages naturally.
And I sat there thinking… okay. But how? How does a mom who’s losing it before school drop-off provide a strong emotional foundation? How does a mom who shuts down when her kid cries encourage healthy identity development? The slide described what we’re all trying to do, but didn’t explain how to make it possible.
You love your kids deeply. But how do you show that love when your child is upset, pushing back, or not listening, and you can feel yourself getting pulled into a reaction you don’t want? After 14 years of working with moms, I have a very clear picture of what loving moms do. It’s what I teach inside Damn Good Mama, and it’s the reason moms start showing up differently at home.
Number one. A loving mom focuses on what she can control: her thoughts, her feelings, and her actions. Her child’s feelings aren’t hers to control. Not even her child’s behavior is hers to control. When Marissa was young, I did what a lot of moms do. I tried to manage her. Her behavior, her reactions, whether she was happy. It didn’t work. I was exhausted, frustrated, and completely confused about why nothing was sticking. And then I realized I had been focused on the wrong person. I couldn’t control her. I never could. The only person I had control over was me. When I shifted my focus, everything changed. Not because she suddenly became easier, but because I stopped pouring energy into something that was never mine to manage. And that’s the foundation for everything else on this list because loving your child starts with taking responsibility for how you show up in the relationship.
Number two. A loving mom practices self-compassion. The moms I work with are often their own harshest critics. They replay the moment they lost their temper. They lie awake thinking about what they should have said. They keep a running list of everything they got wrong. So I’ll ask them, “If your best friend told you she lost her temper with her kids today, what would you say to her? You’d probably remind her she’s doing a hard job. That she’s human. That one moment doesn’t define her.” And then I’ll say, “Talk to yourself the same way.” Self-compassion isn’t letting yourself off the hook. It’s recognizing that you’re going to get it wrong sometimes. And beating yourself up afterward doesn’t make you a more loving mom, because you’re not showing yourself any love in that moment. When you can feel compassion for yourself, it becomes a lot easier to feel compassion for your kids.
Number three. A loving mom repairs. Repair looks like this: You lose your temper. You say something you wish you hadn’t said. And then later, when things are calm, you come back and say, “I lost my temper earlier and that wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.” You don’t explain it away or justify it. And your child might still be upset. They might not be ready to move on. That’s okay. You don’t need them to be ready right away. You might talk about what you each could have done differently or what you’ll do differently moving forward. Through the process of true repair, your connection comes back. And over time, your child learns that even when things go off track in a relationship, they can come back and work it out so that the connection grows stronger.
Number four. A loving mom attunes to her child and validates their emotions. Attunement means you’re tuned in to your child’s emotional state, not just their behavior. You’re picking up on what’s underneath. A client of mine recently shared that she started seeing her daughter’s behavior as a struggle instead of defiance. So during a meltdown, instead of jumping in the way she normally would, she stayed quiet, watched, and tried to understand what her daughter was feeling. In the past, she would have stepped in right away, trying to fix it or shut it down. But this time, she didn’t. And her daughter started to calm down on her own. After a while, she went to her mother and was able to say what she needed. Just that shift, from reacting to getting curious and really tuning in, changed everything.
Validation means you acknowledge that their feelings are real. You don’t rush to fix or talk them out of their feelings. You say, “Gosh, that sounds hard.” And you really mean it. To do this well, you have to be connected to your own emotions. If you learned early on that feelings were something to ignore or push aside, your child’s emotions are going to feel overwhelming to you. The moms who attune and validate well have learned how to stay present with both their own feelings and their child’s.
Number five. A loving mom parents from her values, even when it’s uncomfortable. I have a client whose son asked for screen time on the way to a doctor’s appointment. She had already said no screens in the car or waiting room. He kept asking. She could feel her anxiety rising. Tightness in her chest. That urge to just give in and make it easier. Instead, she reminded herself: I’m not being unreasonable. He had plenty of warning. He can handle this. And she stayed firm.
Another client, we’ll call Jill, has a 13-year-old daughter who asked for an R-rated movie at a sleepover. Jill looked it up on Common Sense Media and decided the content wasn’t appropriate. Her daughter pushed back. At one point, her daughter even said, in front of her friends, that she’d just go behind her back and watch it anyway. Jill could feel the pressure to avoid a scene, but instead, she held the boundary. She took away their phones, brought out board games and snacks, and set up karaoke. She said it was uncomfortable, but that she stayed aligned with what felt right. The girls ended up having a great time, and Jill was incredibly proud of how she showed up.
In both of these examples, instead of reacting to the pressure in the moment, my clients showed they cared more about what was right for their kids than what would make the moment easier. That’s love. It just doesn’t always feel like it at the time.
Number six. A loving mom makes room for play. A lot of the moms I work with are so focused on doing things right that they forget to just have fun. To be silly. To let their kids see them laugh. I have a client whose kids are pretty crabby in the mornings. And one day last week she announced that the wake-up tickler was coming to get them. She said it was so fun to hear them laughing and see their smiles instead of the usual grumpiness. One choice shifted the whole morning.
And play doesn’t have to mean high energy. Another client had a few exhausting days packed with family and events. She was depleted. Instead of pushing herself to go play in the snow with the kids, she let her husband take them out and she took a nap. When her daughter came back inside, she offered to paint her nails with a new set she’d gotten from her cousins. So, sometimes play is a manicure on a quiet afternoon.
Number seven. A loving mom assumes the best about her child and looks for the good. When your child does something that frustrates you, what’s your first instinct? For a lot of moms, it’s to think that the child is being difficult. Manipulative. Deliberately pushing buttons. But most of the time, kids are just being kids. They’re impulsive. They’re tired. They’re overwhelmed. They don’t have the brain development to manage themselves the way adults can.
The same client who learned to see her daughter’s meltdowns as struggle instead of defiance said she had so much more empathy for her child and felt more connected and less angry because she stopped looking for evidence that her daughter was being a problem, and started looking for evidence that her daughter was having a problem. Your brain will find whatever you’re looking for, every time.
So that’s my list. And if you listen to those seven things, none of them depend on your child behaving a certain way. They depend on how you show up, which always starts with how you show up for yourself. If you want help putting these seven things into practice in your own life, I’d love to support you inside Damn Good Mama. You can learn more at lessdramamoremama.com.
I’d love to hear what you would add to this list. Send me a DM on Instagram at lessdramamama. And don’t forget to leave me a voicemail for episode 400 at lessdramamoremama.com/voicemail. Have a wonderful week and I’ll talk to you again next time. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
