You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 347: Laughing With Your Kids, Not At Them (An April Fools’ Day Special)
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hi Mama! Welcome to the show and Happy April! Almost exactly ten years ago, the first article I submitted to HuffPost Parents was published. It was called “When Joking With Your Kids Isn’t Funny.” Since this airs on April Fools’ Day, I thought it was the perfect time to revisit it. I’m going to read the article as I originally wrote it and then share a few new ideas at the end. And as I read, I invite you to reflect on your own family’s style of humor. Here we go.
“You’re too sensitive.”
“Chill out.”
“Can’t you take a joke?”
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of one of these comments, you know it can make you feel even worse than the joke that was just made at your expense.
When kids become the butt of family jokes, it can hurt.
My dad used to tease me in the name of humor. He and my older sister would share a laugh while I felt mocked, humiliated, and left out of their fun. Mainly, he used sarcasm to bring attention to my shortcomings or highlight mistakes I’d made. I doubt he ever meant to offend me, but he certainly seemed unaware of the effect his jokes had on me and my self-esteem.
I finally found the courage to stand up for myself (at the age of 22) and say, “Stop making me the target of your jokes. It hurts my feelings.” Instead of taking responsibility and apologizing to me as I had hoped he would, my dad got defensive and told me to “lighten up.”
That was 18 years ago, and we have a great relationship now, in part because I realize that his behavior had more to do with him than it did with me. I’ve grown to understand that people sometimes use sarcasm as a passive-aggressive style of communication, or because they experienced contempt in their own childhoods. So ultimately, I did lighten up and stopped taking his jokes personally.
But as a kid, I didn’t have the capacity to think beyond my own hurt feelings. Even now, my dad’s teasing still sometimes stings, but over time I’ve developed a much better ability to laugh at myself. Plus, I’m not afraid to dish it back to him so we can have a laugh together at his expense once in a while. The point is that, like me, some kids are sensitive. Rather than teaching them to “toughen up” or “brush it off,” adjust your humor in a way that shows respect for them. There are enough bullies and meanies out there to contend with — kids shouldn’t have to protect themselves from their own parents, too.
When jokes are truly funny, everyone laughs. Notice your child’s response. If you say or do something lightheartedly and then realize it wasn’t received that way, make a genuine apology. My 9-year-old often jokes about her own distractability, but there are times when teasing her about it would be mean instead of funny (like if she hurt herself because she was preoccupied). My 5-year-old is less likely to laugh at herself. She can be quick to anger when she feels teased, so I’m more conscious about taking her seriously.
It can also be insensitive to talk to your friends and family about things your child does in front of your child. Kids say and do things that amuse adults all the time, but they don’t always intend to be amusing. When you joke or laugh with someone else in the presence of your child about something he said to you in all seriousness, you may embarrass him — or worse — betray his trust in you.
Keep a notebook for writing down all the witty and profound things he says and does, so he can enjoy reading about them when he’s older and delight in them with others privately. And if you want to raise kids who can laugh at themselves, the best thing to do is to model it for them. Laugh at yourself when you goof up and make yourself the target of your own jokes.
This April Fools’ Day, don’t be a fool. Don’t frighten, humiliate or hurt your children. Use humor to connect with them instead, and create funny, lasting family memories.
So, reading that back, what strikes me is that a decade later, everything I wrote still holds true—the impact of dismissive humor, the damage of phrases like “you’re too sensitive,” and the importance of creating emotional safety. But I’d like to share some new thoughts with you. Over the last ten years, I’ve heard countless stories from moms who, because they were told they were “too sensitive” as kids, second-guess their feelings as adults, apologize for their emotions, and hide parts of themselves that might be seen as “too much.” Many of them downplay their hurt, laugh along with jokes at their expense, and struggle to set boundaries because they’ve internalized the message that their discomfort is the problem, not the dismissive responses that invalidated their genuine feelings in the first place. This is why breaking the cycle with our own children matters so much. When a child tells you they feel hurt by your humor—even if you didn’t mean it that way—that’s a moment of opportunity. You don’t have to agree with their interpretation to care that they felt hurt. Just saying “I didn’t realize it would land that way. I’m sorry,” builds trust and teaches them their feelings matter.
Another thing I’ve learned is that humor evolves as kids grow, and so can your approach. When they’re toddlers and preschoolers, kids are incredibly literal. Sarcasm flies right over their heads. Like if you say, “Oh, fantastic! Grandma brought you more toys,” they might actually think you’re happy about it. They love physical humor at this age, too – silly faces, unexpected sounds, and slapstick comedy.
Elementary school kids love riddles and jokes with punchlines. This is a great time to invest in some kids’ joke books, but be prepared for the never-ending knock-knock jokes. These kids might experiment with teasing, but they’re still figuring out where the lines are, so it’s a great time to talk about the difference between teasing that’s playful and teasing that’s hurtful.
Teens and tweens love to dish out sarcasm, but they’re not always ready to take it, especially from adults. A joke that might seem harmless to you that touches on how they look, who their friends are, or where they fit in socially, can feel like a spotlight on their biggest insecurities. So while it’s great to laugh with your teen and appreciate their developing sense of humor, they need you to recognize which topics are off-limits, even if they don’t extend the same courtesy to you yet.
The bottom line across all ages is if they’re not laughing with you, the joke missed its mark.
I hope you have a happy April Fools’ Day. May today and every day be filled with the kind of humor that brings your family together and leaves everyone genuinely smiling. I’ll talk to you again next week! Bye!
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