You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 424: Calm Parenting Doesn’t Mean Tolerating Bad Behavior
This is Less Drama More Mama. The podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Your child is yelling because you said no. They’re complaining about what you made for dinner, talking to you disrespectfully, or following you from room to room trying to negotiate a decision you’ve already made. Meanwhile, you’re reminding yourself to stay calm. You’re trying to regulate your nervous system. You’re trying to understand what your child’s behavior is communicating. You’re also trying not to make the situation worse. At some point, you might start wondering, How much of this am I supposed to tolerate in the name of calm parenting?
Hi Mama, and welcome back to the show. Today, I want to clear up what expanding your window of tolerance actually asks you to tolerate. That question came up during one of my recent group coaching calls in Damn Good Mama. A mom was trying to understand what I meant when I talked about expanding her capacity to tolerate discomfort. She wanted to know whether that meant learning to tolerate more of her child’s screaming, demanding, and disrespectful behavior without reacting. The answer is “no.”
Your window of tolerance is the amount of emotional intensity your nervous system can handle and still think clearly, stay connected to what’s happening, and choose your response. When you’re pushed outside that window, you’re more likely to move into one of the four common survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Expanding your window of tolerance means increasing your capacity to stay present with the discomfort happening inside of you. You become more able to feel frustrated, angry, anxious, pressured, or overwhelmed without immediately yelling, threatening, giving in, over-explaining, or shutting down.
I can see this change in myself when I think about how differently I reacted to my daughters making messes. When Marissa was two or three and got food all over her face, pulled every tissue out of the tissue box, or splashed water outside the tub, I would usually yell at her. I grew up believing that making a mess was bad, so my body reacted as though I’d done something wrong and was going to get in trouble. By the time Dalia was that age, those same kinds of messes didn’t trigger the same reaction in me. I might have felt annoyed, but I could deal with the mess without yelling.
Expanding your capacity can help you stay in control of your response while still setting limits on your child’s behavior. You’re learning to tolerate more of your own discomfort, not more screaming, hitting, demanding, or disrespect. That distinction matters, because calm parenting is sometimes presented in a way that makes moms think they’re supposed to remain endlessly patient while their child screams in their face, insults them, hits a sibling, destroys something, or argues for forty-five minutes. If you get angry or put an end to the interaction, you may worry that you’ve somehow failed.
But calm doesn’t mean passive. It doesn’t mean permissive. It doesn’t mean you have to avoid speaking firmly, ending a conversation, or walking away when it’s appropriate. Calm parenting allows you to stay in charge of yourself while you stay in charge as the parent.
Sometimes moms feel stuck because they know their child is tired, hungry, anxious, overstimulated, or having trouble regulating, and they don’t want to punish them for having a hard time. You can accept the feeling and meet the need underneath the behavior while still addressing the behavior itself. Those are two separate jobs. Let me give you another personal example. Marissa can be very persistent. She’ll ask me for something, I’ll say no, and she’ll keep asking. She’ll plead her case, offer me a deal, or try to find a version of the request that might change my answer. I used to keep engaging because I wanted her to accept my answer. I’d explain it another way, list all my reasons, defend my decision, and try to prove that my boundary was reasonable. As the conversation continued, I’d get more frustrated until I finally snapped. I had to be willing to let Marissa be unhappy with my answer. When I noticed myself getting pulled into the argument, I learned to say, “I’ve given you my answer. I’m done discussing it,” and walk away. Ending the conversation before I snapped was one way I regulated myself. I could hold the limit even while Marissa was upset about it.
The earlier you notice the signs in your body, the easier it is to choose what you want to do next. Maybe your shoulders rise toward your ears. Your stomach tightens. Your speech gets faster. You feel the urge to explain your point one more time, louder. You think, Why can’t they just listen? These are signs that your window of tolerance is narrowing. If you catch them early, try one small thing to help yourself stay present. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a few slower breaths. Look around the room and notice what you see. Then return to the boundary. “I’m done discussing this.” “I’m removing this to keep everyone safe.” “I can help when you’re ready to talk without yelling.” The exact words you use matter less than your willingness to follow through. If you say you’re ending the conversation and then continue arguing for ten more minutes, your child learns that the conversation isn’t actually over.
Regulation also helps you tolerate another kind of discomfort: the urge to address your child’s behavior right away. When a child is highly dysregulated, they have less access to the part of their brain that can listen, reflect, or learn a better way to behave. Trying to teach in that moment usually creates more frustration for both of you. Take care of immediate safety first, give your child time to calm down, save the conversation about what happened for a time when they have a better chance of hearing you. That might be ten minutes later, at bedtime, or the following day.
The conversation can be simple. Acknowledge what was hard, restate the limit, follow through with a related consequence if one is needed, and make a plan for next time. It can sound like this: “You were really angry when I turned off the iPad. It’s okay to be angry, but throwing the iPad can break it or hurt someone. You won’t be using the iPad tomorrow. Before you use it again, we’ll come up with a plan for what you can do when it’s time to turn it off and you’re angry.”
You won’t always catch your activation early. Sometimes you won’t realize how overwhelmed you are until you’re already reacting. When that happens, give yourself grace. You’re human, and just like you can accept your child’s anger, you can accept yours, too. Accepting your anger means allowing yourself to feel it without pushing it down or taking it out on your child. Your face might feel hot, your jaw might tighten, or you might feel a surge of energy that makes you want to scream. Give that energy somewhere to go. Push against a wall, pull on a towel, press your hands together, stomp your feet, or take a brisk walk. Afterward, pause before moving on with your day and check what has changed in your body. Is your jaw softer? Has your breathing slowed down? Has the heat, tightness, or pressure shifted? If the anger is still strong, you may need more movement or more time with the feeling. Once the anger eases, you can take responsibility for what you said or did, repair with your child if needed, and consider what pushed you past your limit. That can help you recognize what you need when anger starts building again.
When your child’s behavior crosses a boundary, remember that you can accept how they feel while still addressing their behavior. Notice what their reaction brings up in you and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now that I want to get away from? Maybe it’s the discomfort of your child being disappointed in you. Maybe it’s the anxiety that comes when they’re loud and upset. Maybe it’s the fear that setting a firmer limit will damage your connection. Maybe it’s the pressure you feel when they keep pushing for a different answer. Once you’ve identified the discomfort, ask yourself: Can I let this feeling be here without trying to make it go away? Start small. See if you can stay with the feeling for five seconds longer than you usually would. The next time, try ten seconds. Then twenty. Each time you allow the discomfort to be there without immediately pushing it away or acting on it, you’re expanding your window of tolerance. You’re learning to tolerate more of your own discomfort, not more of your child’s behavior. The more room you have for your own feelings, the more choice you have in how you respond.
If you know another mom who might find this episode helpful, please send it to her. Thank you so much for listening and I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
