You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 362: Favorites and Fairness: Week 7 of the Summer Playback Series
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey Mama, and welcome to another edition of the Summer Playback Series. I’m so glad you’re here. This week, I’m bringing back an episode that stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings for moms when it first aired—and for good reason. It’s about something most moms don’t talk about out loud: having a favorite child. Whether you’re convinced you treat your kids the same or you’ve noticed yourself connecting more easily with one over another, this episode will help you explore what’s really going on underneath the surface. You’ll hear why this topic matters, how favoritism can show up, and what to do if your kids think you have a favorite, even if you’re not so sure you do. Let’s get into it.
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Hi Mama! How’s it going? A couple of weeks ago, in episode 73, I talked about the taboo topic of when you don’t like your child. And today I’m talking about something else most moms don’t talk about: having a favorite child. There’s a book titled The Favorite Child by psychologist Ellen Weber Libby, and in it she says that all parents have favorites and that it’s a fact of life. When I read that, I was like, “What?” But as I read more on the topic of favorite children, I discovered that research actually supports the idea that most parents do have a favorite child. Some of you are probably feeling a little surprised, as I was, and some of you are probably feeling very validated. And that’s the reason I wanted to talk about this today. Because whether you do or don’t think you have a favorite child, I think it’s something to explore, and talk about, and learn from.
I mean, this really got me really thinking, “Do I have a favorite child? Do my kids perceive that I have a favorite? Who would it be and why? How have I shown preferential treatment to one or the other and in what types of situations?” What I find amusing is that they’ve both said to me on separate occasions, “You love her more than me” Usually after I’ve spent more time in the other one’s room at bedtime. So, whenever they’re not treated equally, they interpret that to mean I love the other one more — totally discounting the times when they were the recipient of more time, or more ice cream, or whatever. Why does this even matter? I mean, if most parents have favorites, we could just accept that and go about our business. Which is, of course, an option, right?
But here’s why I think it’s important to take a look at this issue. Your thoughts about your kids cause your feelings, which drive your actions, which create your results. AND, your kids’ thoughts create their feelings, which drive their actions, which create their results. When you think, “I like,” or “I love this child more than the others. He’s my favorite,” how do you feel? What are those thoughts creating for you? And when your child thinks either, “Mom likes me more,” or, “Mom likes me less,” what are those thoughts creating for them? I think it’s really interesting to think about.
So, let’s talk about how do parents show favoritism. It can be as subtle as the tone of voice they use when they’re speaking with their child or the terms of endearment they use, to more obvious things, like spending more time with one child, showing more affection, giving more privileges, or going easier on the discipline. They might talk about one child and his accomplishments more, compliment him more, or take his side during sibling arguments. Now, I’ll admit that I’ve done all of those things at one point or another with both kids. I’m still not convinced that I have a favorite, though.
One of the articles I read talked about 4 common reasons moms might play favorites. The first is that one child is just easier to be around, she has an easier temperament, she goes with the flow, doesn’t give you any pushback. The second is that you favor the underdog: maybe you have a child with a physical disability, a mental health diagnosis, or a learning difference, and so you want to protect him. The third is that you favor the one who reminds you of yourself; you have similar interests, similar personalities, and can relate to her better. And the fourth is that you favor the one who doesn’t remind you of yourself because he’s not a constant reminder of the things you dislike about yourself.
The important thing to note about all of these reasons is that they have nothing to do with the child and everything to do with your thoughts about your child, like I talked about in episode 73. If you have a thought, for example, “I need to protect him,” or, “she just goes with the flow,” question those thoughts. Find out whether they’re actually serving you in your relationships with your children. For example, when you think the thought, “I need to protect him,” you might feel anxious or worried, so you act in overprotective ways, rather than teaching him how to protect himself and take care of his own needs. If you think one child just goes with the flow and the other doesn’t, can you find evidence to the contrary? Can you identify times when she was stubborn and controlling or when your other children were relaxed and easygoing? If you have a child that reminds you of things you dislike in yourself, you have some work to do on your thoughts about yourself…and your child. The more willing you are to look at your thoughts about yourself and your kids with honesty and self-compassion, the better your relationship will be with yourself and them.
What about fairness? Do we really have to make sure everything is fair and equal? Well, first of all, fair isn’t the same as equal. A few years ago, I demonstrated this to a Kindergarten class. I gave each student an index card with the name of some malady on it (headache, stomach ache, sore throat, and so on). I told them that I was going to pretend to be Dr. Fair, and they should line up to see me at my doctor’s office. They all lined up, and the first child handed me a card that said, “cut on foot.” I said, “Oh, you have a cut on your foot, I’m so sorry to see that. Here, let me clean it up and put this Band-Aid on it. That should fix it. Ok, next!” The next child handed me a card that said, “headache,” and I said, “Oh, a headache, that must feel awful. Here, take this Band-Aid, and put it on your head.” Some of the kids looked at me strangely. The next child handed me a card that said, “sore throat.” I handed her a Band-Aid and told her to put it on her throat. At that point, the kids started laughing and arguing with Dr. Fair. “You can’t put a Band-Aid on your throat!” And I said, “But everyone gets the same treatment. Isn’t that fair?” From there, we talked about the idea that fair means everyone gets what they need, not necessarily the same as what everyone else gets. Besides, it’s impossible to treat kids exactly the same because each child is unique.
In my house, Marissa can stay up later at night and watch PG-13 movies on the weekends, but with those privileges also comes more household responsibilities that Dalia doesn’t yet have. Regardless of how I choose to parent, perception is everything. The way my daughters interpret my behavior is their reality, which is ultimately out of my control. But — I do try to be aware of how my actions are being perceived or how they could be perceived,and I do my best to stay open, listen, and validate their feelings when one of them says, “You love her more,” or, “That’s not fair.”
Sometimes, younger kids need an explanation as to why you’re spending more time with their sibling. For example, when one child is sick, hurt, or having difficulty, explain that you may need to give that child some extra attention and why. As much as possible, try to spend one-on-one time with each of your children, while giving them your full attention. Also, practice looking for things you appreciate or are grateful for about each child every day. Every child deserves to feel unconditionally loved by their mama. And every mama deserves to feel that unconditional love for her kids. Whether you think you have a favorite child or not, make sure you explore your thoughts about each child and about yourself, so you can decide whether they’re thoughts you want to continue thinking on purpose. That is the whole goal of coaching…is to become intentional with our minds and our lives.
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Before you go, I’m currently offering free calls to talk about my small group coaching program, Damn Good Mama, which starts on August 5th. If you’ve been feeling reactive, stuck in patterns you know aren’t working, or just exhausted from trying to keep it all together, this group is designed to help.
You’ll learn how to calm your nervous system, process big emotions in real time, and shift the thoughts that keep fueling guilt, resentment, and self-doubt. You’ll walk away feeling more connected to your kids, more grounded and confident in your parenting, and more like the mom you want to be.
If this sounds like what you’ve been looking for, book a free call with me at lessdramamoremama.com/chat, and let’s see if it’s a good fit. Have a wonderful week and I’ll talk to you again next time. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
