You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 408: Holding it Together vs. Having it Together
This is Less Drama More Mama. The podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hello, mama! Welcome to the show. Is the school year winding down where you live yet? I know in some places it’s already over, and in others there’s still a few weeks to go. So, wherever you are, I hope the transition is smooth. And I want to remind you that I have so many episodes about summertime and transitions, so if you go to my website, lessdramamoremama.com and use the search bar on the podcast page, you can find many resources there on tons of topics related to parenting. I also have a podcast directory that categorizes episodes 1-300 that you can get by going to lessdramamoremama.com/directory. And one last thing, if you find this podcast valuable, I would really appreciate if you would leave an honest rating and review wherever you listen to your podcasts. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to give a shout out and read reviews on the show, and I’d love to be able to do that. Your reviews help other moms see the show in their feed and decide whether to listen. So, thank you in advance.
Today I want to talk about the difference between holding it together and having it together. I was coaching a mom the other day who wanted to be able to feel frustration, anxiety, and stress without immediately reacting. In nervous system terms, we were talking about her window of tolerance. Now, I’ve talked about the window of tolerance before, but I recently heard a great definition that’s super simple: it’s your ability to think and feel at the same time. When you’re inside your window, you have access to your thinking brain. You can reason, reflect, make decisions. You can use judgment. You can consider consequences. You can pause before reacting. At the same time, you’re emotionally present. You can feel frustrated, sad, disappointed, angry, or overwhelmed, and still have access to the part of you that can think clearly. When you go outside your window, that changes. When your nervous system goes into fight or flight, that’s hyper-arousal. You might yell, argue, threaten, slam things around, get controlling, feel panicky, or feel like everything has to be solved right away. There’s a strong sense of urgency. Your system is mobilized. It’s activated. It’s trying to protect you from a real or perceived threat. When you freeze or fawn, that’s hypo-arousal. You might shut down, get quiet, feel numb, collapse internally, disconnect, give in when you don’t want to, or become overly focused on keeping everyone else happy. Your system is still trying to protect you, just in a different way. This is why many moms say, “I know what I should do, but I just can’t do it in the moment.” That makes sense because when you’re outside your window of tolerance, you literally can’t pause, reflect, problem solve, or make thoughtful decisions because your thinking brain is offline. That’s why expanding the window matters.
When moms first come to me, it doesn’t take much to push them out of their window. Their toddler refuses to get in the car seat. Their teenager rolls their eyes. A sibling fight starts in the other room. Someone complains about dinner. The schedule changes at the last minute. On paper, these situations might not seem like a big deal. But in the moment, they can feel overwhelming and unbearable because the body believes it’s under threat. That’s why the work I do isn’t about knowing the right words to say or the right strategies to employ. Those can be helpful, but if your nervous system doesn’t have the capacity to be with emotions, you won’t be able to access those tools when you need them the most. So, getting back to my client, as we were talking about this, I realized how easy it would be to misunderstand what I mean when I say that we want to expand your window of tolerance. That doesn’t mean just hold on a little longer before you explode. It doesn’t mean that you should get better at clenching your jaw, biting your tongue, swallowing your frustration, and looking calm on the outside while everything inside you feels like it’s about to burst. That’s not regulation. That’s holding it together.
Many of the moms I work with are already very good at holding it together. They get the lunches packed. They keep track of the school forms and the dentist appointments and the birthday parties and the camp registrations and the homework and the groceries and the emotional tone of the whole family. They show up at work. They show up for their kids. They show up for their partners. They show up for everyone else’s needs. From the outside, they look like they’re doing fine. They might even look like they’re doing great. They’re the moms who can keep it together in public, have a pleasant conversation at school pickup, post a cute family picture on Instagram, or tell a friend, “I’m good,” even when they’re far from good. Inside, it feels very different. There’s pressure building all day long. There’s resentment or shame. There’s the constant thought, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I handle this better?” There’s the fear that if people really knew what was happening at home, or what was happening inside their own minds, they would be judged or rejected or seen as a bad mom. So instead of getting support, they keep performing. And it’s exhausting. It’s very different from actually feeling steady, capable, flexible, and connected. I know because I was that mom and I’ve felt the difference in my own body. Holding it together feels like trying very hard not to fall apart. You tell yourself, “Don’t yell. Don’t cry. Don’t react. Don’t let them see how mad you are. Don’t make this worse. Just get through dinner. Just get through bedtime. Just make it to the end of the day.”
You may get through the moment, but inside, you’re bracing. You’re pushing everything down. You’re using enormous effort to keep your reactions contained. To be clear, I’m not saying you should never hold it together. Sometimes that’s exactly what the moment calls for. What I’m saying is that holding it together cannot be the whole plan. If your main strategy is to keep gripping tighter, eventually something gives. You explode. You shut down. You become resentful. You become emotionally unavailable. What I don’t want is for you to mistake white-knuckling your way through motherhood for regulation. They’re not the same thing.
A mom who has it together still gets frustrated. She still has hard days. She still gets triggered. She still loses her patience sometimes. She still has moments where she needs to step away, apologize, or start over. The difference is that she notices what’s happening sooner. She can recognize, “I’m getting activated right now.” She can feel angry without immediately acting on that anger. She can hear her child’s disappointment without automatically making it mean she’s failed. She can feel guilt and still decide that a limit is necessary. She can get knocked off balance and know how to get herself back on track. Having it together doesn’t mean your house is always peaceful, your kids always cooperate, or you always know exactly what to do. It means there’s a little more ease and a little less struggle. You’re not spending every day telling yourself, “Just get through this. Just make it to bedtime. Just hold it together.”
So how do you create more support, internally and externally, so that life feels more manageable and you’re not simply trying to hold it together? There are a lot of ways to do this, and it’s a big part of the work I do with my clients. The first is cognitive reframing. The way you interpret a situation has a huge impact on how you experience it. If your child says, “I hate you,” and your brain immediately makes that mean that you’re failing as a mother, your reaction is going to be very different than if you simply see it as your child expressing frustration or disappointment. The second is somatic resourcing. This is about helping your body feel more grounded, supported, and safe so you can stay connected to yourself when emotions run high. The third is learning to separate the past from the present. Old experiences, old wounds, and old patterns can get pulled into current moments without us realizing it. Learning to recognize what’s happening now versus what belongs to the past can make a huge difference. The fourth is assertiveness. So many of us have spent years accommodating other people’s needs, avoiding conflict, or trying to keep everyone happy. Learning to ask for what you need, express yourself honestly, and tolerate someone else’s disappointment creates a lot more freedom and a lot less resentment. The fifth is boundaries. Boundaries around your time, your energy, your availability, your work, and your relationships. Boundaries create structure, and structure helps life feel less overwhelming. The sixth is self-compassion. Not letting yourself off the hook, but learning how to take responsibility, repair when needed, and move forward without turning every mistake into evidence that you’re a bad mom. And finally, support. People who understand what you’re going through. A place where you can be honest about your struggles without fear of being judged. Someone who can help you see what you can’t see on your own. Someone who can remind you of your strengths when you’ve lost sight of them. Parenting was never meant to be something you figure out entirely by yourself.
None of these things eliminate hard parenting moments. Your kids will still have big emotions. You’ll still get frustrated from time to time. Life will still throw challenges your way. What changes is your relationship to those challenges. You’re not constantly trying to stay one step ahead of a meltdown. You’re not replaying every interaction and wondering whether you handled it wrong. You’re not carrying so much guilt, resentment, pressure, and self-doubt. You start to trust yourself to handle things. To repair when things don’t go the way you’d hoped. To make decisions you feel good about. To stay grounded when your child is struggling. And that changes everything. Parenting feels lighter. You feel calmer. Your relationship with your kids feels more connected. You spend less time surviving motherhood and more time enjoying it. That’s what having it together looks like to me. It’s a deep sense that no matter what happens, you can handle it.
Now, if you’re thinking, “This is me. I’m tired of working so hard just to hold it together,” I’d like to invite you to apply for Damn Good Mama. It’s my 6-month program for moms who want a deeper transformation than learning more parenting strategies. They want a different experience of motherhood. It’s for moms who want to break the patterns they’ve inherited, trust themselves more, create a calmer, more connected home, and pass down something better to their children. The application is your opportunity to tell me what’s been hardest, what’s keeping you stuck, and what you want to change. I read every application personally and if I think Damn Good Mama is a good fit, we’ll get on a call and talk through the details. If I don’t think it’s the right fit, I’ll tell you that too, and share what I think might be a better next step. Our next kickoff call is July 6, so if this episode resonated with you, now is a great time to apply. All of the details are at lessdramamoremama.com under the Work with me tab. I hope this episode helped you see that there’s another way besides holding it together, and that having it together is within reach. Thanks for listening today, and I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye!
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
