You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 392: How Nervous System Work Changes Your Parenting
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey mama, welcome back to the show. It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and I’m celebrating with a partner for the first time in years. What I want to talk about isn’t the relationship itself, but the identity shift that made it possible. If you understand your parenting triggers but still find yourself reacting in ways you don’t like, this episode will resonate with you — because the same principles that changed how I relate to a partner can change how you relate to your child.
After my divorce in 2015, I focused on my kids and my career. I told myself relationships weren’t worth the trouble. To be honest, sometimes I believed I just wasn’t destined for a healthy, secure partnership. I felt bad that I wasn’t modeling one for my kids. When I looked back on my marriage and other relationships, I could see my patterns clearly. I had studied couples therapy in graduate school. I knew about nonviolent communication, attachment styles, the Gottmans’ research on what makes relationships succeed or fall apart. And I kept thinking, “Why can’t I figure this out? What am I missing?” I assumed I just needed more discipline around my thinking. That’s the exact place many moms are in with their parenting. They know their triggers and tendencies. They’ve read the books and listened to the podcasts. But in the moment, they still react.
In episode 355, I told you that I was incorporating somatic work into my coaching and studying to become a certified Relational Somatics practitioner. Today I want to share how that work has helped me personally and why it’s now central to what I do. So let me go back to where my patterns began. As Freud would say, with my dad. As I’ve shared before, my dad was emotionally immature. He had a temper. He took things personally. I felt responsible for his feelings, both good and bad. When he was upset with me, he’d yell or give me the silent treatment. Sometimes for months. One time, for years, until I apologized for something he believed I’d done. He made jokes at my expense without noticing how they landed. And over time, I started creating beliefs about myself. That I was dumb. That I needed to be perfect to be loved. I learned to say what I thought he wanted to hear instead of what was true for me. I stopped contributing to conversations because I was afraid of saying something stupid. I shut down emotionally around him because that felt safer than being vulnerable and getting hurt. So I adapted by people-pleasing, performing, and shutting down. That kept me connected to him. It minimized conflict. And it helped me survive. But as an adult, it started creating drama.
Of course I was drawn to emotionally unavailable men. That felt familiar. Of course I wasn’t fully emotionally available either. My body believed that if someone really saw me, I would lose connection. Therapy and mindset coaching helped me understand all of this. They gave me language. They helped me make sense of my story. But they didn’t change the tightness in my chest or the fear I felt when I started dating someone new. What changed that was somatic work. I started working with a somatic coach and participating in a group where I practiced vulnerability in small doses. The first few times I raised my hand to share, my heart was racing. My throat felt constricted. I was even sweating a little. And instead of being criticized or dismissed, I was met with validation and support. Not just once. Consistently. When I admitted my shortcomings. When I disagreed. When I felt frustrated and angry. Not only did my connections in the group not go away — they got stronger. Other women reached out to me to say that my vulnerability had inspired them in some way, and I started making friends I could rely on for support in the hard times and for celebration in the good ones. My body got to experience that.
Each time I raised my hand, sharing became easier. And I began to understand what unconditional acceptance felt like — grounding, calm, safe. Once that felt familiar, I stopped questioning it. And not long after that, I stepped into a relationship that reflected that shift. Those old patterns didn’t just disappear, though. My nervous system still wants to people-please. It still nudges me to stay quiet to avoid conflict. But now I catch it. I notice the tightness in my chest. The urge to smooth things over. The impulse to say what I think will keep the peace. But instead of automatically following it, I pause. I ground myself. I remind myself I’m not that little girl anymore. Then I make a different choice. So far, whenever I’ve spoken my truth or expressed a need, I’ve been met with love and understanding.
And that’s the same kind of shift that changes how you show up with your kids. This is the kind of work we practice inside Damn Good Mama, my 6-month mentorship. It isn’t a program for collecting more tools. It’s about becoming someone different in moments that matter. Let me give you an example. You tell your child to turn off their phone. They roll their eyes and say, “You’re so annoying.” And right away, you feel your chest tighten. There’s heat in your face. Your thoughts go to, “You’re so disrespectful. After everything I do for you.” There’s an urge to correct them and make sure they know that’s not okay. But you don’t yell. You don’t take the phone. You don’t give a consequence. You swallow it. You say, “Whatever.” And walk away. But inside, you’re angry. Really angry.
In the group, we slow that down. Because that anger makes sense. Maybe growing up, you weren’t allowed to show anger. Maybe it wasn’t safe to push back. Maybe conflict led to withdrawal or punishment. So you learned to stay quiet, smooth things over, and avoid confrontation like I did. That strategy protected you. And now, when your child rolls their eyes, you do the same thing you learned to do back then. Your body is trying to keep you safe the only way it knows how. Inside the group, when that anger shows up, we don’t push it down again. We let you actually feel it. You might push hard against a wall. You might pull on something sturdy. You let your body finish what it didn’t get to finish when you were younger. And something shifts. The anger moves instead of getting stuck. Gradually, your body stops treating anger like something that has to be swallowed or avoided. You can feel it — and it doesn’t take over. You can address your child’s behavior directly and hold a boundary without abandoning yourself and without escalating the situation.
Here’s another example. You’ve asked your child three times to put on their shoes. They ignore you. Your voice gets sharper. Before you know it, you’re threatening consequences. Your child starts crying and the morning is ruined. Inside the group, we slow that down. As you describe what happened, you notice your stomach drop. You remember the first time you felt this sensation as a child when you felt invisible around your mom. So we respect that survival response. It makes sense. And then, in real time, you have a different experience. You realize that the people in the group see you. They support you. You’re not invisible to them. You’re giving your nervous system a new relational experience in the present moment. Little by little, your body starts to register that being ignored by your child may be frustrating, but it’s also pretty normal. Kids ignore things. Especially when they’re distracted. And it doesn’t mean anything about you. So the next time it happens, you might still feel that flicker of irritation, but it doesn’t spike into urgency. You don’t take it personally. You walk over, tap them on the shoulder and say, “Shoes. We’re leaving in two minutes.” Maybe you even make it playful. “First one to get their shoes on gets to choose the music in the car.” The point is, you’re not reacting to a threat. You’re responding to a kid being a kid. And the morning keeps moving.
If you’re the mom who understands her patterns but still feels stuck inside them, this is your next layer. Applications for Damn Good Mama are open now at lessdramamoremama.com. You can find the link in today’s show notes. Your nervous system adapted. It can adapt again. Have a Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
