You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 360: Kids, Cursing, and WTF to Do About It: Week 5 of the Summer Playback Series
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hi Mama. Welcome back to the Less Drama More Mama summer series where I’m replaying some of the most popular and helpful episodes from the archive so you can stay supported, encouraged, and grounded in your parenting, even while I’m taking a break from recording new content for the summer. I want to give a shout out to the moms who came to the very first Oxygen Hour last week. If you haven’t heard me talk about it yet, the Oxygen Hour is a free, monthly Zoom call where you can exhale, take some time for personal reflection, and connect with other amazing moms in a safe and supportive space. One of the moms in that group shared that her son used a popular, but slightly offensive slang term in front of both his friends and hers—trying to seem cool. She knew exactly what it meant and called him out on it in the moment, which caught him off guard. He was embarrassed in front of his friends…and she was pretty embarrassed, too. This sparked a great conversation in the Oxygen Hour about kids, language, and how to handle situations like that without overreacting or shutting the conversation down. So I thought it was the perfect time to bring back my episode called Kids, Cursing, and WTF to do about it.
And just a heads-up: the next Oxygen Hour is happening on Wednesday, July 23rd at 2pm Eastern. It’s totally free, and I’d love for you to join us. Make sure you’re subscribed to my email list to get the Zoom link by going to lessdramamoremama.com/subscribe. And if you haven’t left a review of the podcast yet, it would mean the world to me if you did because it helps other moms find the podcast and keeps this content going. Here’s another 5-star review that came in recently from Amy in Canada. The title is Kids These Days, and it says: “Love this podcast!! Just pragmatic and grounding advice that allows me to feel more confidence in my parenting and less anxious about myself, my kids and the state of the world. Thanks for continuing to put out this amazing content Pam!” Thank you so much for that, Amy. I really appreciate you. Alright, let’s get into today’s playback.
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So let’s talk about kids and cursing. Like I said, this topic has come up several times in my coaching and of course, having two teenagers, I deal with this issue, too. I have come to accept the fact that a lot of the music they listen to has profanity, and that they curse with each other and their friends. They’re good about knowing when it’s appropriate and when it’s not, and because they’re getting older, I don’t make a big deal of it unless they use it in a hurtful way. Some of my clients’ kids, though, are swearing as young as 5 and 6 years old, and they want to know: Why is my child cursing, and where did they learn it? Should I be worried that my child is cursing? Can I use discipline to address it, and if so, how?
When our kids curse, it can bring up so many feelings in us as moms like embarrassment, anger, fear, and shame. It’s important to remember that it’s not the cursing that causes your emotions. Cursing isn’t good or bad. It’s what you make the cursing mean about you, your child, and your parenting. It’s your thoughts about the cursing that causes how you feel. Thoughts like, “this shouldn’t be happening. There’s something wrong with him. There’s something wrong with me. I’m a horrible mom. I can’t believe she’s saying that.” My hope is that after listening to this episode, you’ll begin to choose more useful and intentional thoughts, so that you feel calmer, more empowered, and more confident dealing with this issue.
So, kids pick up curse words in so many places like school, on the radio, TV, social media, older siblings or cousins, kids with older siblings, and other family members, including parents and grandparents. It’s not uncommon for kids to experiment with curse words as they explore language and boundaries. But for kids under 12 or 13, many don’t even know the meaning of the words they’re using.
I remember when I was around 10 being in the car with my family when another car cut us off. I shouted, “Bastard!” and my mother let out a gasp, and everyone turned around and glared at me. My father asked if I knew what the word meant and I said I thought it was another word for idiot. Another time, when I was even younger, maybe six, I was dancing and singing in the kitchen with my sister and cousin. I was rhyming words and started singing, “luck, truck, buck, duck…” and when I got to the letter f, my sister and cousin reprimanded me and told me never to use that word again. I ran off to my room crying, having no understanding of what I had said, but I did learn that day that words could hold tremendous power. As parents, we don’t want to give words that kind of power because when we do, some kids will go on to use them as a way to feel more powerful and in control, especially when they get a strong reaction from you. When your child swears, you might feel an initial jolt of shock or surprise, but try to become curious before assuming bad intentions. You can calmly ask, “Where did you learn that word?” or “What does that mean?” Being curious about the purpose of the swearing is important, too. Is it for attention? Are they trying to be funny? Are they using it to express anger or to fit in with peers? When you are able do this with genuine curiosity rather than judgment, it can open up a safe space for you and your child to have a conversation, and then you can decide what action to take, such as becoming more mindful of the media they’re exposed to, talking about your values and why you don’t want them swearing, setting clear boundaries about language, or curbing your own cursing.
Even if casual swearing is acceptable in your home, it’s important to teach kids that the appropriateness of swearing varies in different settings and situations. And if your child has trouble picking up on social cues, you may want to coach them to avoid swearing until they’re better able to understand when and how to use those words. Teach kids that their words can make an impact. Kids as young as 5 can understand the concept of being kind to others. You can explain that swear words are often used to mean something unkind, and that people might feel hurt or insulted when they hear them.
Swearing can also escalate conflict, making conversations more confrontational and less productive. If your child often swears when they’re angry or frustrated, you can validate their emotions, while still holding them accountable for their behavior. They should know that it’s ok to feel any emotion, but that there are other, better ways of expressing them. Don’t try to engage or problem-solve until they’re emotionally regulated, but once they’ve calmed down, see if they can identify some alternate ways of coping with anger.
Interestingly, a 2020 research study published in Frontiers of Psychology showed that cursing can boost the body’s pain threshold to deal with crises. In the study, participants stuck their hands in ice water and were instructed to repeat either a neutral word, the “F” word, the invented swear word “fouch”, or the invented swear word “twizpipe.” No, I am not making this up. Subjects were asked to report when they began to feel pain and to only remove their hands once the pain became unbearable. The researchers found that swearing can increase a person’s pain tolerance by up to 33 percent. And here’s the interesting part: the silly, made up swears didn’t help with pain; only the one we think of as “bad.” That’s because the “F” word is connected to our emotions, like anger and fear, and saying it helps us let those feelings out. So, there may be benefits to cursing in some situations after all.
Another way to take the power out of swear words is to use a little humor. A client of mine recently told me that her 6-year-old son stuck his middle finger up at her. She told him that it means bad things and he shouldn’t do it, which of course, motivated him to do it more. Imagine if her reaction had been to say, “Oh what a lovely finger” and kiss his finger and then all his other little fingers in a playful way. It wouldn’t have reinforced the behavior with a strong reaction, and it would have given him the attention he was probably seeking.
You could also use humor by challenging your kids to replace swear words with funny or creative words or phrases. That’s probably how “fudge,” “fiddlesticks,” and “shitake mushrooms” originated as curse word alternatives.
If you’re asking your kids to avoid cursing, consider avoiding it too. It’s less confusing for kids when the rules about swearing apply to kids and adults alike. And you’re your child’s biggest influence. They might experiment and test the limits, but most likely they’ll end up speaking the way you do. That said, cognitive scientist Benjamin Bergen at the University of California San Diego, and the author of What the F: What Swearing Reveals About Our Language, Our Brains, and Ourselves, found that using an occasional swear word around kids doesn’t seem to have any impact on their well-being or emotional development. So, if you stub your toe and let out a four-letter expletive, you can give yourself a break. On the other hand, kids who are exposed to frequent profanity and verbal abuse, show increases in anxiety, depression and difficulties in school.
My last tip is to focus on what you can control. You can’t make your kids stop swearing, but you can control how you respond to it. Decide ahead of time how you want to respond and even rehearse it in your mind. Then you’ll feel more prepared the first (or next) time it happens. Here are a few examples of logical consequences for swearing: Temporarily take away privileges that are related to when the swearing happens. For example, if your child tends to use inappropriate language while playing video games, you could restrict their gaming for a set period of time. Implement a short time-out that gives your kids a chance to calm down and reflect on their behavior. Or you can take a time out for yourself and tell your kids you don’t want to be around them when they swear. You can say this in a way that communicates love for yourself and for them. Have your kids apologize to the person offended by their swearing. This helps them understand the importance of taking responsibility for their words and actions. Finally, allowing natural consequences can be super effective. Your kids could lose friends if their swearing is insulting or offensive. Often, natural consequences like that are the ones that teach the most valuable lessons.
If you’re struggling with this or any other parenting issue, please take me up on the free conversation I mentioned at the beginning of this episode. I’d love to talk with you and offer some free help. That’s it for today. Have a wonderful week and I’ll talk to you next time.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
