You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 344: The 3 Biggest Mistakes That Make Power Struggles Worse (And What to Do Instead)
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey, mama! Welcome back to the podcast. Today we’re revisiting the topic of power struggles, as it’s one of the most exhausting parts of parenting. You ask your kids to do something, they ignore you. You ask again, still no movement. Before you know it, you’re raising your voice, threatening, or bribing just to get them to do something as simple as putting on their shoes. So today, I’m breaking down three common mistakes that make power struggles worse and what you can do instead. We’ll cover empty threats and multiple warnings, bribing for basic cooperation, and the trap of over-explaining and negotiating. These patterns might seem harmless in the moment, but they gradually wear down your authority and create more resistance from your kids. Let’s start with the most common mistake I see parents make: relying on empty threats and multiple warnings instead of following through. Let’s say your son, Jake, is watching TV after school. You kindly say to him, “Time to turn off the TV and start your homework.” He says, “Okay,” but keeps watching. A few minutes later, you remind him. “Jake, please turn it off now.” Still nothing. You do the classic countdown—”I’m gonna count to three… one… two…” but nothing actually happens at three. Finally, frustration kicks in. “If you don’t turn it off right now, no TV tomorrow!”
Now, here’s the problem: kids learn patterns. When kids know you don’t mean business until you raise your voice or threaten a consequence, they learn to tune you out until that moment. And when those threats repeatedly don’t materialize, like when you say “no TV tomorrow” and tomorrow comes with TV anyway, they learn your words don’t mean what they say. It’s like when you set an alarm clock and then keep hitting snooze so you don’t wake up until the last possible second. The more reminders kids get and the more empty threats they hear, the more they delay taking action because they’ve learned they don’t have to respond right away.
One of the biggest reasons moms struggle to follow through without giving multiple warnings is fear of the fallout. They think, “If I actually hold my boundary the first time, my child is going to have a complete meltdown.” They worry that if they don’t give a few extra reminders, their child will explode into tears, scream, or fight back, and suddenly a simple request turns into a huge ordeal. It feels easier to just keep reminding them than deal with the emotional storm that comes when they enforce a limit. And I get it. Noone enjoys seeing their child upset. Those big emotions can be truly overwhelming, especially when you’re already exhausted from a long day. Or maybe they hesitate because they don’t want to feel like the “mean” mom. They want to be firm, but if they follow through immediately, it can feel like they’re being harsh, cold, or unkind.
This is where tolerating your own discomfort comes in. When your child has a strong emotional reaction, and you feel anxious, guilty, or overwhelmed by it, you’re more likely to back down, delay, or over-explain. But delaying the boundary doesn’t make the discomfort go away. It just stretches it out. If your child is going to melt down at warning #3, they were going to melt down at warning #1. The only difference is that, by delaying it, you’ve now spent more time, more energy, and more frustration getting to the same outcome.
Research by Dr. Daniel Siegel shows that children’s prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control—is still developing throughout childhood. This means they genuinely struggle with self-regulation and actually rely on our consistent boundaries to help them develop this skill. When you’re inconsistent with your follow-through, you’re literally making it harder for their brains to learn important executive function skills. This is why holding the boundary early and confidently makes things easier in the long-run. Your child learns when mom says something, she means it, I don’t get endless chances to delay, and meltdowns don’t change the outcome. It doesn’t mean they won’t test the boundaries. I assure you they will at times. But when you’re consistent, the testing phase gets shorter and shorter because they realize there’s no point in dragging it out.
So, if the meltdown is coming either way, why not just get it over with so you can move on faster? You’re not being mean. You’re setting clear, predictable expectations that make life easier for both of you. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know you mean what you say the first time. They don’t actually want endless chances. They want to know where the boundary is, and they want to trust that you’ll hold it with calm confidence. So, set the expectation once and follow through calmly. Instead of, “Jake, I said turn it off. I’m not going to tell you again!” Say, “Jake, TV time is over. If you don’t turn it off, I will.” Then follow through. No extra warnings, no threats. Just calm, confident action. Another effective approach might be to use a timer. “Jake, you have 5 more minutes of TV time. When the timer goes off, it’s time for homework.” This gives a clear boundary while also respecting his need for transition time.
Now let’s look at another common trap parents fall into when dealing with power struggles: bribing kids to cooperate. Fast forward to dinner time, and Jake doesn’t want to eat what’s on his plate. You’re tired. You don’t want a fight, so you say, “If you eat three more bites, you can have some ice cream.” Later, when it’s time for homework, Jake is dragging his feet, so you say, “If you finish your homework without whining, you can have extra screen time.” And it works—for now.
But bribes shift motivation. Instead of doing things because they need to be done, kids start doing them because there’s something in it for them. After a while, Jake won’t eat dinner unless there’s a reward, and won’t do homework without a trade-off. Everything becomes a negotiation. Studies in motivational psychology, including the classic research by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, have consistently shown that external rewards can undermine intrinsic motivation over time. What this means for parenting is that while bribes may work in the moment, they’re training your child to need external motivation rather than developing their own internal drive to cooperate. This is why children who regularly receive bribes tend to demand bigger and better rewards as time goes on. I know bribing can be tempting. I’ve certainly fallen into the trap myself. When you’re at your wit’s end, just wanting cooperation feels worth almost any price. If offering a reward gets cooperation right now, it feels like the logical choice. But deep down, you probably know it makes things harder in the long-run.
So, instead of relying on bribes, focus on natural and logical consequences. For dinner, rather than promising dessert as a reward, a natural consequence might be, “You don’t have to eat, but there won’t be another meal until breakfast.” This lets them experience hunger as a natural result of not eating enough. For homework, instead of trading work for extra screen time, you can say, “Homework needs to be done before any free time.” If they still delay, the natural consequence might be that they aren’t prepared for school the next day. Maybe they don’t know the material for a quiz, or they feel rushed and stressed in the morning trying to finish an assignment. This helps them experience the real-world effects of procrastination without you needing to nag or bribe, and helps them learn the effect of their actions.
The final mistake I see parents make during power struggles is something we’re all guilty of at times, especially when we’re trying to be reasonable and thoughtful parents: over-explaining and negotiating. Here’s an example: You say, “It’s time to leave for school. Let’s get in the car.” Your child groans and says, “Why do we have to go now? Can’t we leave in 5 minutes?” Instead of holding firm, you respond, “Because school starts at 8:30, and if we’re late, your teacher will mark you tardy, and you might miss the morning routine, and then you’ll be behind for the day.” Your child replies, “But my teacher doesn’t even care if we’re a little late, and I don’t mind missing morning work!” Suddenly you’re in a discussion about whether being late matters, instead of just getting in the car. The problem with over-explaining is that it makes kids think the boundary is up for discussion, and negotiating teaches them that if they push back enough, they might get a different answer. The more you engage in this type of back-and-forth, the harder it is to hold firm. This one hits close to home for many of us who want to be respectful, conscious parents. We want our kids to understand the reasons behind our requests, not just blindly follow orders. That’s a good instinct, and explaining can be useful, but over-explaining often happens because moms feel the need to justify their decisions to avoid seeming too strict. Other times, it’s the fear of being challenged. If a child keeps questioning, a mom might feel like she needs to win the argument. And for some, there’s the need to have the last word or to be right. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you don’t win the conversation, your child will think they have control. But power struggles don’t need a “winner.” They need a confident, steady parent who holds the boundary without escalating.
A better approach when your child asks, “Why do we have to go now? Can’t we leave in 5 minutes?” would be to simply say, “School starts at 8:30. It’s time to go now.” Then, follow through by walking toward the door. This prevents the conversation from spiraling into negotiation and reinforces that the boundary is firm. Another approach would be to acknowledge their feelings and say, “I understand you want to keep playing. It’s hard to stop when you’re having so much fun. And it’s time to leave for school now. You can choose to bring that toy in the car if you’d like.”
The point is you don’t need to make your child happy all the time or fear their negative emotions. The point is to hold boundaries with respect and consistency so your child learns that some things aren’t negotiable, while still honoring their feelings and offering appropriate choices when possible. When you can separate acknowledging emotions from changing the boundary, you teach your child that feelings are valid and limits still matter.
So let’s recap what we’ve covered today. The three biggest mistakes that make power struggles worse are empty threats and giving multiple warnings instead of following through the first time, relying on bribes instead of using natural consequences, and over-explaining or negotiating instead of stating clear expectations. These patterns don’t just drain your energy as a mom, they actually make things harder for your kids, too. Kids thrive on consistency and clear expectations, even if they test the boundaries.
I know it’s one thing to hear and understand this advice, and another thing entirely to implement it. The gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it in those heated moments is where most moms struggle. Your responses to your children are deeply influenced by your own upbringing and emotional patterns. When your child refuses to put on their shoes for the fifth time, your reaction isn’t just about the shoes. It’s about feeling disrespected, worrying about being judged for showing up late, or feeling triggered by memories of how your own parents handled the same situation.
I shared on this podcast and wrote in my book about when Marissa refused to get ready for camp, and how my out of control reaction was a turning point for me and my parenting. I didn’t completely change overnight, but that moment of awareness became the catalyst for my transformation. I started paying attention to my triggers, practicing new responses, and gathering tools that helped me stay regulated in those challenging situations. That one difficult morning ultimately led me to learn and develop the strategies I teach today. Strategies that not only reduced power struggles in my home, but also strengthened my relationship with my daughters and helped me become the calm, confident mom I wanted to be. And if I can make this shift, I know you can too.
What I’ve found in my years of working with parents is that having someone in your corner makes all the difference. When you have support to help you stay consistent and confident, those power struggles start to fade. Someone who can remind you of these strategies when you’re in the thick of it, who understands what you’re going through, and who can celebrate your wins along the way. That kind of support helps turn knowing what to do into actually doing it, even when it’s hard. If you’d like my support putting these principles into practice in your own family, I’d love to work with you. Whether it’s through one-on-one coaching or my group program, I’m here to help you move from exhausting power struggles to peaceful, respectful parenting. Send me a direct message on Instagram @lessdramamama or email me at pam@lessdramamoremama.com and let me know you’re interested and we’ll set up a time to chat. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again next time. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
