You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 396: Puberty and the Tween Years: What Moms Need to Know
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey, Mama! Welcome back to Less Drama More Mama and to our tween series. This is episode two, and if you missed episode one, I really encourage you to go back and listen because we talked about the identity shift that happens during the tween years. It lays a really nice foundation for what we’re going to talk about today. When I worked as a K-8 school counselor, part of my role was teaching middle school health education — and I mean everything from anatomy to relationship boundaries to sexually transmitted infections. All of it. And I can’t tell you how many parents would stop me in the hallway and say, ‘Better you than me,’ with a look of pure relief on their faces. And I get it — these conversations can feel uncomfortable and awkward and like there’s a lot of pressure to get it right. What I learned from years of working with middle school kids is that they’re much more ready for these conversations than we think. What they need more than a perfect explanation is a parent who isn’t afraid to show up for the conversation. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today — how to be that parent. I want this to be one of those episodes you walk away from feeling less anxious and more prepared. Because a lot of the discomfort moms have around this topic comes from not knowing what to expect, and also from their own experiences of going through puberty themselves, which for a lot of us were not exactly warm and wonderful memories. And just like last episode, this is for every mom, no matter where your kids are developmentally right now. If your kids are little, this is going to be really useful information to have in your back pocket so that when it starts, you’re not caught off guard. If you’re already in it, I hope this helps you understand what’s happening and gives you some practical things you can do. And if your kids are older and past this stage, I think you’re going to find yourself filling in some gaps you didn’t even know were there. So, let’s get into it.
Most of us only think about puberty as a physical thing — the body changes, the hormones — and yes, those changes are very real and significant, but what I want to focus on today is everything else that comes with it, because that’s the part that tends to catch parents off guard the most. Here’s the basic timeline so we’re all working from the same page: for girls, puberty typically starts somewhere between ages eight and thirteen, and for boys it usually kicks in a little later, between nine and fourteen. I know eight can feel really early, but it’s within the normal range, and research shows that the average age of puberty has been dropping over the last several decades, particularly for girls. What the research makes really clear is that puberty isn’t just a physical transition. The brain is going through one too, and it won’t actually be fully developed until around age twenty-five. So you have a kid whose body is maturing rapidly and whose emotions are getting much bigger, but who doesn’t yet have the brain development to regulate all of it. The moodiness that comes with puberty is caused by a few things happening at the same time. The most obvious one is hormones — estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone are surging through your kid’s body in ways they’ve never experienced before, and those hormones directly affect mood and emotional reactivity. But hormones are only part of the story. Sleep is another big piece of it, because the body’s internal clock shifts during puberty. Tweens start producing the sleep hormone melatonin later in the day, which is why they want to stay up later and sleep in — and chronic sleep deprivation makes it much harder for them to manage their emotions. Then there’s the social and emotional intensity that comes with this stage. During puberty, kids become much more tuned in to what other people think of them. That heightened self-consciousness, combined with a body changing in ways they can’t control, can make everything feel really overwhelming. What this means practically is that your kid’s mood swings are not about you, even when they’re aimed right at you. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. I know what it’s like to have a kid snap at you for no apparent reason when you were just trying to ask a simple question — but understanding what’s happening underneath that behavior can change how you respond to it. If you meet their dysregulation with your own dysregulation, you’re going to escalate things every time. But if you can stay regulated yourself — which I know is easier said than done — your nervous system actually becomes the thing that helps bring theirs back down. That’s called co-regulation, and it matters at every age, but it really matters here.
Now there’s another piece of this stage that we really need to talk about, and that’s body image. Research from the Body Project at Bradley University found that early puberty is associated with higher levels of depression and an increased likelihood of eating disorders, and a big part of the reason for that is shame. Kids, and particularly girls, who develop early often feel embarrassed and self-conscious about their changing bodies, especially when those changes draw attention from others before they’ve had any time to adjust to them themselves. In a study of girls between ages six and eighteen, researchers found that by around age ten, most of them already felt some level of embarrassment or shame about their bodies — either from their own insecurities or from comments that other people had made. I remember watching my own girls become more aware of their bodies and start comparing themselves to other kids. Ten years old. That’s how early this starts. I don’t think most parents intend to contribute to that, but sometimes we do without realizing it — through offhand comments we make about our own bodies, through the way we react when they gain weight or their body starts to change, through the messages we carry about food that we’re now passing on. So this is a really good time to take a moment and think about what you’re modeling in your own home around bodies and food and appearance — because your kids are absorbing all of it, even when it seems like they’re not paying any attention to you at all. The best thing you can do for your kid’s body image during this stage is to create an environment where their body is treated as normal and natural, where changes are talked about matter-of-factly and without drama, and where they feel like they can come to you with questions or worries without being made to feel weird about it. According to Mayo Clinic, reassuring your child that there’s no “right time” or “right way” to go through puberty, and that every child develops differently, is one of the best things you can do — because so much of the shame kids feel comes from comparing themselves to their peers and believing that what’s happening to them is abnormal or wrong. And beyond just normalizing it, I want to encourage you to help your child feel good about their body during this time — not in spite of the changes, but because of them. Their body is doing something incredible. It’s growing, it’s maturing. And the more you can reflect that back to them with genuine wonder instead of discomfort, the more likely they are to internalize that their body is something to be celebrated, not feared or fixed.
So how do you actually do that? First, watch what you say about your own body in front of your kid, because if they hear you criticizing yourself in the mirror, complaining about your weight, or talking negatively about how you look, they’re absorbing all of that and applying it to themselves. You are their first and most powerful model for how to relate to a body that’s changing. Second, when you notice something changing in your kid — and you will — try to talk about it with curiosity and warmth instead of alarm. Something as simple as “your body is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do right now and that’s pretty amazing” goes a long way. Third, celebrate the milestones where you can. Not in a way that embarrasses them, because that will backfire, but in a quiet, private, this-is-a-big-deal-and-I’m-proud-of-you kind of way. And finally, keep checking in. Let them know you’re here and that nothing about their body or what they’re going through is off limits to talk about. When your kid knows they can come to you with anything about their body, they won’t have to deal with all of it alone.
What do you do when your child doesn’t just feel uncomfortable in their changing body, but actually hates it? There’s a difference between a kid who’s a little embarrassed that their body is changing and a kid who is genuinely distressed about it, and I think that’s important to talk about. The first kind is really common and pretty much universal. This is the kid who is mortified that they got their period at school, or that their voice cracked in front of their friends, or who refuses to wear a bathing suit because they’re suddenly self-conscious in a way they never were before. And as hard as it is to watch, that kind of discomfort is developmentally normal. What your kid needs from you in those moments is not a pep talk or a lecture about body positivity. They need you to validate that it’s uncomfortable without amplifying the discomfort, and to keep showing up with warmth and a sense of humor where you can. Sometimes the best thing you can say is “I know, it’s a lot — and I promise it gets easier.”
The second kind is worth paying closer attention to. This is the kid who is consistently and persistently unhappy with their body — who’s obsessing over their weight, refusing to eat certain foods, spending a lot of time comparing themselves to others online, or seems to be withdrawing because of how they look. This is not something to wait out. Research shows that body image struggles that start during puberty can have really significant long-term effects on a kid’s mental health, and the earlier you address them the better. So if you’re seeing signs that your kid’s relationship with their body is moving from uncomfortable into something more serious, trust that instinct. Talk to your pediatrician. Consider getting them some support. And in the meantime, double down on what we talked about earlier — watching your own body talk, celebrating what bodies can do rather than what they look like, and keeping the lines of communication open so your kids know they can come to you with what they’re feeling without being judged or dismissed. And through all of it, the most important thing you can do is make sure they know that you see them, that you love them exactly as they are right now, and that their worth has absolutely nothing to do with what their body looks like or how fast or slow it’s changing.
When we don’t normalize that puberty can feel strange, scary, and disorienting, we leave kids to make sense of those feelings on their own, and they don’t always get it right. Some kids can start to feel like they’re in the wrong body. And while for some, that feeling points to something deeper that deserves more support and attention, for many kids it’s actually the very normal discomfort of puberty that no one has named for them yet. So talk to your child about this directly. Tell them that it’s completely normal to feel weird in their body right now. Tell them that their emotions are going to feel bigger and harder to manage than they used to, and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with who they are. Tell them that a lot of kids feel this way and that the discomfort is real and valid and also temporary. That reassurance matters more than you know, and it’s the kind of thing that can only come from you.
So now let’s talk about what it looks and sounds like talking to your kid about these issues. The first thing I want to say is: don’t wait for them to come to you. I know that might feel counterintuitive like, why would I bring this up if they haven’t asked about it? But the reality is that a lot of kids won’t ask, not because they don’t have questions, but because they’re not sure it’s okay to ask, or because they’re embarrassed, or because they’ve already gotten information from somewhere else and they don’t want you to know. We often talk about having “the conversation,” but it’s not a formal one-and-done discussion. What works much better are several little talks over time — in the car, on a walk, while you’re doing something else together, so it doesn’t feel like a big deal. You can bring it up as a question like, “Hey, I’m curious — have you heard the word puberty before? Do you know what it means?” Or you can use an article you read or a video you saw online as a conversation starter. “Hey, I read something about how kids’ bodies are starting to change earlier than they used to. Have you noticed that at school?” Or when talking about hygiene, you could say, “Your body is changing and that means it needs a little more care now. Let’s talk about what that looks like.” The more you normalize these conversations, the easier they get, and the more likely your child is to come back to you when something comes up that they need to talk about. And that’s really the whole goal — not one perfect conversation, but a hundred small ones that add up to your kid knowing that they can always come to you.
Pediatricians and child development experts recommend using the correct anatomical terms, because it helps your kid understand that their body isn’t something to be ashamed of and it gives them the language they need to ask questions and speak up when they need to. Kids are incredibly good at reading their parents’ emotions, and if they sense that you’re embarrassed or anxious saying words like “penis” and “vulva,” they’ll start to feel that way, too. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s worth taking a little time to sort through your thoughts about it so you can talk calmly and matter-of-factly with your child. If you don’t know the answer to something they ask, say so and find out together. At the end of the day, they’re not going to remember the perfect explanation you gave about hormones, or the book you handed them, or the one big conversation you had. They’re going to remember how they felt with you and whether or not they felt safe.
If all of this feels a little intimidating, remember that staying calm, curious, and connected matters more than getting everything right. You’ve got this, Mama. So, let’s recap. Puberty is so much more than physical changes. It’s emotional, social, and relational, and your kid needs you to understand that so you can show up for them in a helpful way. The mood swings are real and they’re not personal. The body image piece starts earlier than most parents realize, and your own modeling around your body, food, and appearance has more influence than anything you could ever say. The discomfort of puberty is normal and your kid needs to hear that from you directly. And the conversation about puberty is not one conversation. It’s a hundred small ones, and the goal of all of them is just to keep the door open. Next up in this series, we’re talking about what’s different about how boys and girls move through the tween stage, so join me next week for that. Thanks for being here, Mama. I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye.
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