You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 371: Safety and Regulation in Parenting: From Protection to Connection, Part Six
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hi Mama! Welcome back to the show. Before we dive in, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the moms who joined me for the It Ends With Me workshop series. It’s officially wrapped up now, and I am so grateful for those who showed up live, and committed to looking at the patterns they don’t want to pass down. The conversations we had were meaningful, and I know the material will keep working in the background for everyone who participated.
Today we’re wrapping up my podcast series, From Protection to Connection, and discussing what safety and regulation look and feel like in your nervous system and in your parenting.
Over the past several weeks, we’ve explored fight, flight, freeze, and fawn – all the ways your nervous system tries to protect you when it senses danger. And we’ve seen that when you parent from a state of survival (or protection), that’s when yelling, overreacting, or shutting down happens. And over time, those patterns chip away at trust and connection with your kids. Kids learn that emotions aren’t safe to express, that conflict means disconnection, and that they have to manage everyone else’s feelings to feel loved. But when you can recognize your state and bring yourself back into regulation, you model resilience and you show your kids it’s safe to express their emotions, work through conflict, and come back into a state of connection. So, what happens when your nervous system actually feels safe? What does regulation look like, and how do you know when you are regulated?
So, first let’s talk about what regulation actually is. When your nervous system is regulated, your body feels settled, your breathing is deep and easy, and your mind is clear. You have access to your full range of emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Your shoulders sit naturally, not hunched up around your ears. Your jaw is relaxed. Your heart rate is steady. There’s a sense of groundedness, like your feet are connected to the earth. You feel present. Your thoughts flow clearly without that racing, obsessive quality that comes with nervous system activation.
But – and this is important – regulation is not a constant state of zen-like calm. Right? It’s not about never feeling stressed or activated. If you think you’re supposed to be calm all the time, you’ll just end up criticizing yourself every time you’re human. Regulation is your ability to move through different states and come back to baseline. It’s the capacity to handle life’s challenges without getting stuck in a state of survival.
For example, when you’re regulated, you can still feel angry, but you’re not consumed by rage. You can feel sad without falling into despair. You can feel anxious about something without that anxiety taking over your entire day. You have what we call a wider window of tolerance, meaning you can handle more intensity before your nervous system tips into protection mode. In parenting, regulation looks like being able to stay present with your child’s emotions without immediately needing to fix, control, or escape them. It’s being able to set a boundary and hold it, even when your child is upset. It’s apologizing when you mess up without spiraling into shame. And it’s being curious about your child’s behavior instead of immediately judging and reacting. So, here’s an example. Your child is screaming and crying because they can’t find their favorite shirt. When you’re regulated, you can see that they’re overwhelmed and struggling, not trying to ruin your morning. Instead of trying to talk them out of their feelings or rushing to solve the problem, you’re just present with them in that moment. When you’re dysregulated – maybe you’re in fight mode – that same scenario might trigger you to think, “Here we go again, they’re being dramatic,” and then respond with irritation or impatience. If you’re in flight, you might start frantically searching for the shirt to make the feelings stop. And in freeze, you might just stand there, feeling disconnected.
In my Damn Good Mama call last week, I worked with a mom who noticed her flight response kick in whenever her son became anxious and raised his voice. It reminded her of growing up with a father who yelled, when she had no way to escape. In those moments as a child, her body wanted to flee, but couldn’t. And that survival energy had nowhere to go, so it got stored in her system. Now, when her son raises his voice, that same trapped energy resurfaces. Her body reacts as though she’s still that little girl stuck in the room with her dad. And she asked me, “Does working on my nervous system help my relationship with my son?” And I asked her, “Why wouldn’t it?” And she said, “Because it’s me-focused and not relationship-focused.” And this is exactly what I told her, so please, listen carefully: The beautiful thing about regulation is that it’s contagious. When your nervous system is calm and settled, it helps your child’s nervous system settle, too. This is called co-regulation, and it’s one of the most powerful tools you have as a parent. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with each other. So, your kids don’t need you to fix their emotions – they need you to stay regulated while they have them. Your calm, grounded presence teaches their nervous system that feelings are safe, and that they can be felt and survived. Think about it this way: when you were little and you got hurt, what helped more? Someone frantically trying to fix the problem, or someone calmly holding you and saying, “I’m right here. You’re safe”? That calm presence is co-regulation in action. But co-regulation works both ways. Just like your calm presence can help regulate your child, their dysregulation can pull you into your own survival responses if you’re not grounded. Also, you can’t force regulation in the middle of a meltdown – yours or your child’s. Regulation is built in the calm moments, not during the storm. And third, don’t wait for or expect your kids to regulate first. Your regulation has to lead the way. That’s why doing this nervous system work is essential for being the parent you want to be. You are the adult, the leader, and they’re learning regulation by watching you model it.
Now, you might be wondering how to cultivate more regulation in your own life. And while I’d love to give you a list of techniques to use when you find yourself dysregulated, the truth is that nervous system work is deeply individual. What helps one person feel more regulated might actually dysregulate someone else. For example, a breathwork technique that calms one nervous system might activate another. Without understanding your particular patterns, what your unique triggers are, how activation shows up in your specific body – any advice I give could actually be counterproductive. The wrong tool at the wrong time can push you past your window of tolerance instead of helping you regulate. This is why I work with people individually inside my Damn Good Mama group. I need to understand your unique nervous system, your history, your patterns, and what’s showing up for you in real time, so we can find the approach that works for you. That said, one simple thing you can try right now is to just notice. Notice your shoulders and jaw in this moment. Are they tight or relaxed? Is your breathing deep or shallow? Do you feel restless, like you want to move? Or maybe you feel numb. Just start by noticing what’s happening in your body and be curious about it. That’s it. Awareness is always the first step. And if you want to learn more, a great place to start is Peter Levine’s book, In an Unspoken Voice. I’ll put the link in today’s show notes.
As we close this series, I want to leave you with this thought: your nervous system is always shaping the way you show up as a mom. The more you understand your patterns and practice awareness, the more choice you have in how you respond. That choice is what creates calmer days and deeper connection with your kids. And if you’re ready to go deeper with this work and want support, I’d love to talk with you about Damn Good Mama, my 6-month group program where I help moms break patterns of reactivity and step into the identity of the mom they want to be. You can book a call with me at lessdramamoremama.com/chat so that we can talk about what’s going on for you, what you’d like to shift, and see if the program feels like a good fit. Remember, this work takes time. Your nervous system has been protecting you for decades. So, it’s not going to change overnight, but every moment of awareness, every conscious choice to respond rather than react, every time you repair with your children after a difficult moment — it all matters, and I’d love to support you. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again next time. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
