You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 325: Supporting Your Scared Child Beyond ‘Don’t Be Afraid’
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey there, mama, and welcome to the podcast. With Halloween just a few days away, I’ve been thinking a lot about all the ways fear shows up in our lives and our kids’ lives. You know that gut-wrenching feeling when your child is scared? Whether it’s your toddler crying about monsters under the bed or your teenager having a panic attack about their future – seeing our kids afraid triggers something primal in us. We want to fix it, make it better, chase those fears away. But fear is a normal, even necessary, part of growing up. We don’t need to eliminate fear – we just need to learn how to handle it.
One thing that makes helping our kids with fear so challenging is that we all experience it differently. For example, I do not like gory movies. Blood and guts? Not my thing. I literally hide behind a pillow during scary scenes. But my kids? They think horror movies are hilarious. They sit there munching popcorn while I’m peeking through my fingers, asking “Is it over yet?”
It’s so easy to either project our fears onto our kids or minimize theirs because we don’t share them. Both reactions come from love – we either want to protect them from what scares us, or we want to toughen them up against what we think shouldn’t scare them. But neither approach really helps kids develop a healthy relationship with fear.
I’ve had to learn to separate my fears from my daughters’. Just because I might leave the room during a gory scene doesn’t mean I need to usher them out, too. And just because something doesn’t scare me doesn’t mean my child’s fear of it isn’t real and valid.
I worked with a mom once whose story really illustrates this. Her eight-year-old started having intense anxiety about going to swim practice. This mom had been a competitive swimmer growing up, and swimming had been her safe space, her joy. When her daughter started crying before lessons, her first instinct was to have her push through it: “Oh, you’ll feel better once you’re in the water,” “Everyone gets nervous,” “You’re such a strong swimmer!”
It wasn’t until several tough weeks had gone by that she realized she wasn’t actually hearing her daughter’s fears. She was reacting to her own feelings about swimming, her own beliefs about perseverance, and her own anxiety about her daughter potentially giving up something that had meant so much to her. Once she stepped back and really listened, she discovered her daughter’s fear wasn’t even about swimming at all – it was about feeling pressured to perform in front of others.
And that’s what happens sometimes – our kids’ fears bump up against our own stuff. Maybe we’re afraid of raising anxious kids, so we push them too hard to “get over it.” Or maybe our own anxieties make us overprotect them from experiences they’re actually ready to handle.
So your first job as a mom is getting your own thoughts in order. I sometimes refer to this as “cleaning up your thinking,” meaning catching those automatic thoughts that pop up when your kids show fear, like, “Oh no, she’s going to be anxious like my sister.” “He needs to toughen up.” “She’s missing out on so many opportunities” or “Everyone’s going to think I’m a bad mom if he doesn’t go on the school trip.”
These thoughts aren’t helpful, and they’re usually not even true. But they can cloud your judgment and affect how you respond to your kids. When you’re tangled up in your own worries about what your child’s fear might mean, you can’t see the situation clearly.
So here’s what I want you to try: the next time your child expresses fear about something, pause. Notice what thoughts immediately pop into your head. Write them down if you can. Then ask yourself, “Is this thought helping me support my child right now? Is it even true?” Often, just becoming aware of these thoughts helps us set them aside and respond more objectively to what our child actually needs.
So, let’s talk about how fear shows up differently as our kids grow, because this also affects how we respond. With little ones, fear often shows up in ways we can’t miss – tears, tantrums, midnight visits to our bedroom. The challenge isn’t spotting their fear; it’s figuring out how to respond without either dismissing it (underreacting) or amplifying it (overreacting). I’ve heard stories of parents who go to such extremes – removing every possible shadow-making object from a toddler’s room, or insisting kids “cry it out” because “that’s how they learn to be brave.” Neither extreme really helps kids develop a healthy relationship with fear.
In elementary school, kids’ fears become more complex, more rooted in real-world experiences. One fourth grade student I worked with when I was a school counselor had an intense fear of dark clouds and would regularly refuse to go outside during recess. We later discovered he’d been watching storm chaser videos on YouTube and had absorbed all this information about tornadoes without the context to process it. His fear made perfect sense – he had real information about a real danger, but no framework for understanding how likely or unlikely it was to affect him.
With tweens and teens, fear often goes underground. They might not come running to your room at night anymore, but that doesn’t mean they’re not scared. Their fear can show up as procrastination, attitude, or physical complaints. A teen might spend hours getting ready for school – not because they’re vain, but because they’re afraid of being judged. Another might get “sick” before every class presentation.
So, let’s talk about practical steps that work when helping your kids handle fear. To me, there are three fundamental strategies that can help across all ages. The first is validation. This sounds simple but it’s actually where many of us (including me sometimes) miss the mark. When kids are scared, we often jump straight to fixing or dismissing: “Don’t worry!” “You’re fine!” “There’s nothing to be scared of!” Instead, try: “I hear you. Being scared feels really uncomfortable.” “Yeah, that would make me nervous, too.” Just letting them know their feelings make sense and that there’s nothing wrong with them for being afraid is so important.
Second, baby steps. If you want to help your child overcome a fear of dogs, for example, you don’t go straight to petting one. Maybe you begin by looking at dogs from across the park. Then watching dogs play while staying at a safe distance. Each small success builds their confidence for the next step. This strategy helped that student I mentioned who was afraid of dark clouds. We used this kind of exposure therapy to help him work up to going outside during recess.
The third and most empowering strategy is asking them what would help. When given the chance, your kids can surprise you with their insights. “What would make this feel easier?” “What do you think might help?” Sometimes their solutions are more creative and effective than anything we could come up with. Plus, when they’re part of creating the solution, they’re more invested in trying it.
The beauty of these three strategies is that they work whether you’re dealing with a four-year-old afraid of monsters or a twelve-year-old nervous about changing for gym class. The specifics might change, but the foundation stays the same: Validate their feelings, take small steps, and involve them in the solution.
When you validate their feelings instead of dismissing them, you’re teaching them it’s okay to have emotions. When you help them take small steps at their own pace, you’re showing them how to break down big challenges. And when you ask what would help, you’re teaching them to trust their own judgment and problem-solving abilities.
Now let’s look at how these strategies play out during the Halloween season. When your kid gets spooked by the animatronic witch at the store, resist the urge to say “It’s not real!” “Don’t be silly!” Instead, try “Those decorations can be really startling. Some of this stuff is pretty scary, isn’t it?” Just acknowledging their fear often helps kids feel less overwhelmed by it.
Small steps look different for every kid. Maybe your five-year-old wants to be brave about trick-or-treating but isn’t quite ready. Start with houses you know – maybe just three neighbors you’re friendly with. Or do a practice run during daylight hours. Start by just walking past decorated houses, then progress to walking up to doors without knocking, then finally trick-or-treating at a few familiar places.
And here’s where asking what would help comes in beautifully. Your kid might have ideas you never thought of like getting to ring the doorbell every time, giving them a sense of control. Or having a secret signal for when a house looks too scary and they want to skip it. When you ask older kids what would help, they often come up with practical solutions like trick-or-treating with friends or being in charge of the candy bowl at home instead of going out.
A question I sometimes get from parents is “How do I know if my child’s fears are normal or if we need additional help?” So, ask yourself: Is the fear interfering with daily life? Is it stopping them from doing things they used to enjoy? Are they developing physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches? Are they going to extreme lengths to avoid certain situations? These are all signs that professional support might help to offer specific tools and strategies that can make a real difference beyond what you may be able to offer at home.
Whether you’re dealing with Halloween haunted houses, swimming lessons, thunderstorms, or public speaking, here’s what I want you to remember: The goal isn’t to raise fearless kids. The goal is to raise kids who know how to handle being afraid. And remember what we talked about today. That moment when you stop yourself from saying “don’t be scared” and instead say, “yeah, that is pretty scary”? That matters. When you let them skip the haunted house even though you know the decorations aren’t real? That builds trust and safety. And when you celebrate their steps of bravery, even when those steps seem small? That builds their ability to handle whatever fears come next.
Everything we’ve talked about today – cleaning up our own thinking, validating feelings, taking small steps, asking what would help – it’s all in service of one goal: helping your kids build a healthy relationship with fear. Because fear isn’t going anywhere. It’s part of life. And with the right support, your kids can learn to work through it.
Thanks for listening to Less Drama More Mama. Have a happy and safe Halloween and I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye!
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