You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 26, Taming Morning Madness
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hello there! How’s it going? I’m very excited to talk to you about today’s topic because I know how many moms struggle in the mornings. I work at a school where I’ve had to deal with kids refusing to get out of the car at carpool, kids crying due to separation anxiety, and I hear stories from other moms about all the fighting and screaming and rushing around they do every morning. And I for sure have some of those mornings, too, but I have to say they are few and far between. They aren’t typical at all. My mornings tend to be pretty smooth and predictable, and how I feel in the morning usually sets the tone for my entire day. So I want to share with you what I do, the systems and routines that I have in place, and also the mindset that I have about mornings in general.
Let me just start by saying that I love, love, love to sleep, ok? I love to laze around in bed in the morning. I love to nap in the afternoon. When I was younger, I was always the last one to wake up at sleepovers, and when friends slept over at my house, they would have to wait like three hours in the morning sometimes for me to wake up because they’d be up at seven and I wouldn’t get up until ten, sometimes later. As a kid, my bedtime was pretty late because my dad worked late and so my mom would let me stay up to see him and spend time with him.
So, I always considered myself a night owl. I always told myself I’m not a morning person. In college, I had certain friends that would get up early and go to the gym or to study and by the time I was waking up and dragging myself out of bed, they’d already gotten so much done. I admit, I felt a little envious of them. And on those rare occasions that I did get up early to go to the gym or study, I remember feeling very accomplished and productive. But I still didn’t think that I could wake up early on a regular basis and actually like it. I just told myself it wasn’t in my DNA or something.
As the years went on, I was able to get myself to work by eight a.m. every day, but I was always rushing, always getting there exactly at eight and feeling stressed. Fast-forward to when I became a stay at home mom. I wouldn’t want to wake Marissa in the mornings, so I would just stay in bed until I heard her over the baby monitor. And I would lie in bed feeling this intense anxiety every day because my thoughts sounded like, “When is she going to wake up? What kind of mood is she going to be in? What if she doesn’t feel well? What if I have to take her to the doctor? What if something happens today that I don’t know how to handle?” This is pretty much how my mornings started every day when I woke up early.
Otherwise, I’d wake up to the sounds of her waking up on the baby monitor and I would jump out of bed to greet her. Sometimes I’d feel groggy from just waking up, but I would just throw myself into the day the minute she woke up. When she was old enough to get out of bed by herself, she often woke me up or I’d set an alarm for the last possible minute that I could sleep and still get out of the house to take her to preschool on time.
So it wasn’t until I became a single mom and went back to work outside the house, about five years ago, that I started waking up early on a regular basis and enjoying it. Prior to that, I mostly coached clients from home, and my ex-husband would drive our girls to school in the morning on his way to work, and I’d pick them up in the afternoon. I knew that if I had to get to work and get the girls to school, I needed to do things differently. I needed to design a morning routine.
Now, most of us know, at least intellectually, that routines are super important for kids. Routines help kids feel safe and in control because they know what to expect. They help kids feel calmer and less anxious because they’re not constantly wondering what’s going to happen next. There are fewer family power struggles when routines are in place. Kids develop a sense of mastery over certain tasks when they do them regularly, which helps them feel competent and boosts their self-confidence. Routines can be followed by other caregivers, like babysitters and grandparents. And kids can eventually follow routines independently.
So, the same is true for adults. Routines and planning — making decisions ahead of time — saves time and even creates more time. I don’t know a mom alive who wouldn’t want to create more time in her day, right? So, my preparation for my morning routine actually started the night before. For a long time, I resisted getting things ready the night before. Number one, I was a huge procrastinator and number two, I just wanted to unwind at night and read a book. I didn’t want to think about tomorrow when I was just getting through today. But when I started making lunches, putting everything by the back door, laying out my clothes and my kids’ clothes, and setting the table for breakfast, all the night before, there was no denying that I felt so much calmer and less stressed in the morning. So let me just emphasize here that the more you can do the night before, the better. Because the fewer decisions you have to make, the less your brain has to exert itself, and the calmer you will be.
So I started setting my alarm for 5:15, a full hour before my kids’ wake-up time. I would get dressed, put on my makeup, feel like a human being, and go downstairs to drink my coffee in total peace. Sometimes I would read or journal or listen to podcasts. But this full hour of alone time gave me time and space to connect with myself and set my intentions for the day without distractions or interruptions. Waking up early allowed me to have peace and quiet to go at my own pace and get myself physically and mentally prepared for the day ahead. When I woke my daughters, no matter what kind of mood they woke up in, I felt calm and loving and happy. I loved how relaxed and organized I felt, no longer scrambling to get everything done while trying to get the kids out the door, too. I realized that “I’m not a morning person” was just a thought I’d been telling myself my whole life. It wasn’t a fact. I started choosing to think new, more useful thoughts like, “I am a morning person,” “I love mornings,” and “Waking up early helps my mornings run more smoothly.”
Think about this: what kinds of thoughts do you currently think in the morning? And how are they creating your results in the morning? If you’re thinking, “I hate mornings,” “I wish I didn’t have to go to work,” “Mornings are always hectic in my house”, guess what? Your results in the mornings are going to reflect those thoughts. One hundred percent. Because how do you feel when you think those thoughts? You probably feel anxious, frazzled, exhausted, hurried, and stressed. And so you act in ways that bring about the very result you want to avoid.
I was coaching a mom once who was thinking, “My daughter is so bad in the morning. She’s a mess.” And so not only was my client feeling angry and annoyed every morning from her own thinking, but her brain was always looking for evidence to prove her thoughts true. And so she kept showing up angry and yelling and her result was that she was so bad in the morning and she was a mess. So, pay attention to your thoughts and decide on purpose what you want to think and feel and how you want to show up. What if you chose to think thoughts like, “Today is going to be amazing” or “Today is a new day. I can handle anything.” You’d feel calmer, ready to go, and in control.
So I plan, not only the practicalities of my routine like the time I’ll wake up and what I’m going to wear, but how I will be thinking. You can do this, too. Ask yourself, “how do I want to feel in the morning? And what do I need to think to feel that way?” Put a little sticky note on your bedside table or on your alarm clock with your morning thoughts, so you can remind yourself to think them. The more you see them and say them to yourself, the stronger the new neural pathways in your brain will get.
Now, I know that many of you want some more of the practical, actionable steps to make mornings easier, so here’s what I do that works for me and my family. First, is making sure that I get enough sleep. Right? Without enough sleep, I’m no good to anyone. One full sleep cycle is about an hour and a half. So, when healthy adults are given unlimited opportunity to sleep, they sleep on average between seven and a half and nine hours a night. So, I start by working backwards. If I want to wake up at 5:15, I need to be asleep by about 9:45. I do the same thing with my kids. School-aged children and teenagers need at least nine to ten hours of sleep each night. Most don’t get anywhere near that. My kids go to bed much earlier than any of their friends, which is fine by me and totally fine by them.
If you’re going to start waking up earlier for that extra alone time, you can’t continue going to sleep at your usual bedtime, or your body will become even more sleep-deprived, and that kind of defeats the purpose. So, you can decide to go all-in and just start waking up early or you can do it more gradually by setting your alarm five to ten minutes earlier every few days. Decide, before you go to bed, that you will honor your commitment to yourself no matter what, and that going back to sleep and pressing snooze is not an option. Expect it to be hard, and anticipate wanting to go back to sleep, and commit to getting up anyway. That’s this pre-frontal part of your brain is making the decision ahead of time for your long-term consequences and in the moment, your primitive brain is gonna want to say, “Eh. This is too much. This is too hard. I don’t like this. I wanna go back to sleep.” No, you have to honor what you decided ahead of time and stick to that. The more you can commit to your decisions ahead of time, the stronger your relationship with yourself is going to be and the better results you’re gonna get. It’s also helpful to visualize this routine the night before. That also strengthens the neural pathway.
That alone time is precious. You can do anything you want with it. You can exercise, you can pray, you can give thanks for a new day. Some people like to read over their goals for the week. I sometimes use the time for some self-coaching by doing a thought download and then doing some models on my thoughts. And as difficult as it might be, resist looking at your phone for the first twenty minutes that you’re awake. Let your first thoughts of the day be your own, not some negative story in the news or an email from work or a post on social media. Just be with your own thoughts and observe them.
Now, after I get ready in the mornings, I like to wake my girls. I know that they’re fully capable of waking up with an alarm by themselves. They do it when they sleep at their dad’s house and I know they can do it. The truth is, I really enjoy our time in the mornings. I believe that how kids wake up in the morning matters. Your attitude, your calm positivity sets the tone. I go in and I gently wake them, I snuggle them a little, I tell them how much I love them, and that’s how we start our day together. With love and snuggles. It’s so amazing. Sometimes I can’t even believe how amazing it is.
Now, my kids made their own checklists — they did this on their own, without any prompting from me — for what needs to get done in the mornings and they put them in their bathroom. So there’s things on their checklist: brush teeth, get dressed, brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast. For younger kids, you can make the checklist with pictures on it. And the reason I like this is because making the list puts them in charge of getting ready and eliminates the need for you to nag and remind. Instead, you can try asking them, “Ok, what’s the next thing on your checklist that you’re gonna do?” Or, “Is there anything I can help you with so that we can be ready sooner?” So my kids know that when everything on the list is done, if there’s still time before we have to leave the house, then they can play. We don’t have TV time in the mornings.
Some kids need several reminders about what time you’re leaving the house. I usually give fifteen, ten, and five-minute warnings. Sometimes I might add a little buffer by telling them we’re leaving five minutes earlier than we actually are. But my kids are old enough now that they know when we’re going to leave the house, they sometimes pack their own lunches, and are ready to leave early on most days.
If you have kids who like to dawdle, make sure you’re waking them with enough time to do everything they need to do at a comfortable pace. Make sure that you or they choose what to wear and what to eat the night before, but limit their choices to just one to two things. And then stick to those decisions. I just offer the same breakfast every day and reserve other options for the weekend.
If everything is packed and ready to go the night before, this probably won’t happen, but if you’re out the door and someone realizes they forgot something — homework, lunch, a sweater – comfort them and empathize that it’s upsetting when we forget things, but don’t go back, and don’t bring it to them later. They’ll quickly learn that they’re responsible for remembering their things and that they can figure out solutions and handle the consequences when they don’t.
So, getting into a new habit or routine takes time. Be patient with yourself and your kids as you try this. Of course, some mornings will be better than others. Of course you’ll lose your patience sometimes. Of course your kids won’t always cooperate. It’s a process. The more you practice your intentional thoughts, the better you’ll get at this whole morning thing.
If you’d like some coaching on this, or any topic related to parenting, sign up for a free mini-session at lessdramamoremama.com/mini. I really love talking to you and helping you take these concepts in the podcast and apply them to your life. If you are finding these podcast episodes helpful, please leave a review on iTunes and share it with a friend. The more we can share these ideas with other moms, the less drama we’ll have in the world. I truly believe that.
Ok, mama. Go forth and create those stress-free, relaxed mornings. I promise, it’s possible for you. Yes, you! Alright, I’ll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.
Thank you for listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast. If you liked this episode, please take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes and make sure you subscribe, too, so you never miss a show. Got a question, comment, or idea for an upcoming episode? Email me at pam@lessdramamoremama.com
