You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 357: The 90-Second Rule: Week 2 of the Summer Playback Series
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hi, Mama. Welcome to week 2 of my Summer Playback Series. Last week, I revisited one of my most popular episodes about how to feel a feeling—without resisting it, reacting to it, or running away from it. Today’s replay builds on that with one of the most helpful tools I teach my clients when it comes to managing big emotions: the 90-second rule. If you’ve ever felt like letting yourself fully feel an emotion, especially one like anger, fear, shame, or sadness, might completely consume you…like you’ll disappear into it and be unable to find your way back…this episode will offer a new perspective. When you avoid emotions, they tend to linger in the background and build pressure. But when you practice being with them—just noticing and allowing what’s happening in your body—you start to expand your ability to stay present with whatever you’re feeling. Instead of emotions running the show, you build the capacity to hold them without being overtaken by them. That’s what creates true emotional strength and flexibility—and it helps you stay more grounded, connected, and calm in the moments that matter most. The truth is, emotions don’t last as long as we think they will when we stop fighting them. And when you really understand what’s happening in your brain and body, you can start to trust yourself more in those intense moments.
Now, before we get to the episode, I want to read a recent 5-star review titled “Love this Podcast!” from Mandyann. She wrote, “I have been listening to this podcast for more than a year now, and it has been tremendously helpful. Pam explains things in a calm and concise way that is easy to understand. This podcast addresses many parenting challenges for all ages and stages, and even covers some personal growth topics. I like that the episodes aren’t too long but the messages are clear.” Yay! Thank you so much, Mandyann. I really appreciate that you took the time to leave that review. It means so much to me. Now, if you’ve never left a review or if it’s been a while since you did, and this podcast has helped you feel more capable, more grounded, or more understood—I’d love it if you’d go to apple podcasts and write a quick 2 or 3 sentences. It helps more moms find the show and feel supported and I’ll even give you a shout out in a future episode. Thank you in advance! And now, here’s this week’s summer playback.
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Ok, so today’s episode was inspired by an interaction with one of my clients, who has a difficult time allowing herself to feel positive emotions. I’ve had several clients with this issue and I did an episode called Permission to Feel Good which I’ll link to in the show notes. Episode 143. The reason she resists feeling positive emotions is because at a very young age, she had an experience where she was feeling really great, better than ever, and then something happened that she perceived as bad and her mother basically told her that she shouldn’t ever let herself be too happy because something bad will happen. My client internalized this belief and carried it into her adulthood without ever questioning it. That’s like saying you shouldn’t go outside and enjoy the sunshine today because it might rain tomorrow. One doesn’t have anything to do with the other. We know there will be rainy days and we don’t make it mean anything’s gone wrong or that it shouldn’t be that way. What if we could view our emotions the same way? Of course there will be good times and bad times, positive emotions and negative ones, and they’re all temporary. They come and go just like the clouds in the sky. That’s why the 50/50 rule is so helpful. Because when we understand that life is made up of 50% positive and 50% negative emotions, we don’t get as upset when we get upset.
Now, as I’ve mentioned in many of these episodes, the healthiest way to manage emotions is to allow them, rather than resist, avoid, or react to them. But when I say that, many of you think that if you allow yourself to feel an emotion, you’ll get sucked into an abyss that you then won’t be able to get out of. And that’s why today I want to talk about another helpful concept in managing your emotions called the 90-second rule. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained neuroscientist, well known for her TED talk and books, My Stroke of Insight and Whole Brain Living says that “When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens from the initial trigger to the time the chemicals flush through your body. This means that it takes about 90 seconds from the moment you have a thought that triggers an intense emotion like fear or shame or humiliation, to the moment that emotion passes all the way through your body. Any remaining emotion past the 90 seconds is caused by a choice to let it continue. In other words, even though you may not be able to choose the knee-jerk emotions you experience, the ones that send you into fight, flight, or freeze mode, you are able to decide how long you experience them based on your thinking.
Why does this information matter? First, when you feel a strong emotion in your body such as anger, frustration, anxiety, or guilt, that’s your cue to take a pause. Victor Frankl, the author of Man’s Search for Meaning said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Don’t react. Just stop what you’re doing and tune into your body for about 90 seconds. During the 90 seconds, which, I’ll be honest, may feel like an eternity in the moment, you’re going to pretend you are a fascinated scientist and just observe what’s going on in your body: the sensations, where you feel them in your body, their temperature, shape, texture, speed…all the while remembering to breathe. Shifting your focus from all the thoughts swirling around in your head to the vibrations in your body will help you get grounded in the here and now. When you’re fully present, you’ll be calm and at peace.
Don’t be in a hurry to get through the 90 seconds or get to a better feeling. When you’re willing to feel your emotion for as long as it takes and stop trying to get out of it, that’s when it’ll dissipate. What you resist persists. So, lean in and open up to it. If you can name the emotion, label it. But instead of saying, “I’m angry” or “I’m anxious”, say, “This is anger.” “This is what anxiety feels like in my body.” You acknowledge its presence, but you recognize you are not your emotions. You’re experiencing an emotion that is temporary. I like the analogy of clouds passing in the sky. I also really like the analogy of feelings being like waves in the ocean and you are a surfer riding the waves. We even use language to say that feelings wash over us and they come in waves, too. Every time you have a thought that triggers an emotion, it’s like a new 90-second wave to surf. Whether it takes more or less than 90 seconds is irrelevant. You’ll know that the emotion has moved through you when the intensity lessens and you feel more at peace. At this point, you can get curious about what thought caused your emotion and possibly consider other options.
I won’t pretend this is an easy process. It takes time and lots of practice to build the skills of allowing emotions, becoming aware of your feelings, being more in touch with your physical body, and managing your thoughts. But it’s so worth it to have these skills when you’re in emotional pain. I’ve helped many moms feel emotions, from grief and sadness to anxiety and guilt and everything in between. Once you’re able to be present with your own emotions, then it’s so much easier to be there for your kids when they’re in emotional pain. I’m not suggesting that your kids’ emotions should only last 90 seconds. And I guarantee that trying to control your kids and their emotions will only lead to prolonging them. But what if you could show up to the first 90 seconds of their meltdowns like a fascinated scientist, without trying to fix anything or react with fear or frustration? How would knowing the 90-second rule calm you down so that you could be present and patient and compassionate for your kids the way you want to be? Even when their negative emotions last far longer than 90 seconds because they keep creating more pain with their thoughts, you can be calm knowing that their emotions are harmless vibrations and are temporary. They come and go and will eventually evaporate, just like the clouds in the sky. This week, be a fascinated scientist and practice the 90-second rule. I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
