You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 369: The Freeze Response in Parenting: From Protection to Connection, Part Four
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hi Mama! Welcome to the show. For those of you in the U.S., I hope you had a relaxing and/or fun long weekend because now that Labor Day has passed, most schools around the country are now in session. Whether you’re feeling sad or thrilled about that, I’m wishing you and your kids the best school year ever. Fortunately, Dalia and Marissa are both off to great starts this year, but as a former school counselor, I know going back to school can be a challenging transition, so be sure to go to my website and use the search function to search for episodes or blog posts about back to school. There’s tons of information there for you at lessdramamoremama.com And hey, you know what would be great? If you left a rating and review of the podcast on ApplePodcasts or Spotify, wherever you listen to this. When you do, you’re helping other moms who are struggling find the show. Your review might be exactly what another mama needs to click play and start feeling better.
Speaking of feeling better, today we’re continuing my series called From Protection to Connection, discussing the different survival states of the nervous system and how they show up in your parenting. Over the past few weeks, we’ve talked about the fight response and the flight response. Today, we’re exploring the freeze response. Last week I mentioned that both fight and flight are part of your sympathetic nervous system—your body’s alarm system that prepares you for action. Think of it like pressing on a gas pedal. The freeze response is different. It’s part of the parasympathetic branch of your nervous system, and it works more like slamming on the emergency brake. When fighting feels impossible and running away isn’t an option, your nervous system has one last line of defense: shutting everything down. Your heart rate slows down, your breathing slows down, and your body essentially hits the pause button.
It’s easy to see this survival strategy play out in the animal kingdom. When a gazelle is caught by a lion, for example, it goes completely limp and still. This sometimes makes the lion think the gazelle is already dead and if the lion gets distracted, the gazelle might get a chance to escape. In humans, the freeze response doesn’t usually look as dramatic as a gazelle going limp. More often, it shows up as going blank during conflict, feeling overwhelmed and unable to make decisions, procrastinating on important tasks, feeling numb or disconnected from your emotions, or that sensation of being “stuck” even when you know what you need to do. In your body, you might feel heavy, like you’re moving through molasses. Your thoughts feel foggy or unclear. There’s a sense of watching things happen from a distance. You might feel tired even when you’ve rested, or notice that your breathing is very shallow. Sometimes there’s a sensation of being frozen in place, unable to move forward even though part of you wants to.
Freeze is the response of overwhelm and hopelessness that kicks in when conflict feels too big to handle. As a child, when you were overwhelmed by someone’s anger, or when expressing your needs felt dangerous, you might have learned that the safest thing to do was to go quiet, become invisible, or just shut down emotionally until the storm passed. Over time, your nervous system learned: when things feel too big, just stop moving, stop feeling, stop trying.
In your parenting, freeze can look like going silent during arguments with your kids instead of working through conflict, feeling so overwhelmed by their emotions that you just stand there, unable to respond, avoiding making decisions about discipline or boundaries because everything feels too hard, or shutting down emotionally when your child needs comfort, even though you want to be there for them. The cost of staying in freeze as a parent is significant because when you’re frozen, you’re not available for connection. Your child might interpret your shutdown as rejection or feel like they’re too much for you to handle. They learn that their emotions are too much to handle and that it’s safer not to ask for help when they’re struggling. Just like with fight and flight, they might mirror your patterns, learning to freeze when things get hard instead of working through challenges.
I want to make it very clear that when you’re in freeze or any of the survival responses, you’re not being a bad parent. Your nervous system is trying to protect you the only way it knows how. So the goal isn’t to never freeze—it’s to recognize when it’s happening and learn to thaw yourself out. Here’s what this might look like: Your child just had a complete meltdown because you said no to a sleepover. They’re crying, maybe yelling, and you feel that familiar sensation of just… going blank. Your body is there, but you feel disconnected, like you’re watching everything from behind glass. That’s freeze. When you notice that sensation, instead of forcing yourself to snap into action or beating yourself up for feeling stuck, you can start small by feeling your feet on the ground. Taking one slow breath. Maybe you put your hand on your chest. You might even say out loud, “I need just a minute to think about this,” which gives you permission to thaw out gently while staying present with your child.
Now here’s something important to know: as you start to thaw out, don’t be surprised if you suddenly feel anxious, restless, or even a little irritated. That’s actually a good sign. Remember that gazelle? If or when it gets free, it literally shakes its whole body, trembling and moving to release all that frozen energy. And then, within minutes, it goes right back to grazing peacefully, as if nothing happened. Your nervous system is doing the same thing—waking up and moving that stuck energy through your body. Once you’ve started the thawing process and moved through some of that activation, you can begin to reconnect with your child. I know this might sound like a lot to remember in the moment when you’re actually frozen, but even just knowing this pattern exists can start to shift things for you.
If the freeze response sounds familiar, and you find yourself shutting down in stressful situations, I want to invite you to my free workshop called It Ends With Me. It’s next week, September 9, 10, and 11 from 2-2:30 Eastern each day. We have 60 moms signed up so far and our pop-up Facebook group is now open where you’ll be able to connect with each other and start learning how to recognize these survival patterns and how to stay present and connected, even when things feel overwhelming. You can sign up at lessdramamoremama.com/free-workshop. Next week, we’ll be exploring the fawn response—what happens when your nervous system says, “The way to survive is to keep everyone happy.” I know a lot of you will want to hear that one. So, go sign up for the workshop and I’ll talk to you again next week. Take care.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
