You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 377: The Masks We Wear
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey mama. Welcome to the podcast. With Halloween just days away, I thought it was the perfect time to bring back an episode from the very early days of the podcast — Episode 12: The Masks We Wear.
Even though I recorded it in 2018, the message still feels just as relevant today. We might only wear costumes once a year, but most of us wear emotional or social “masks” every day — the mask of patience when we’re ready to explode, the mask of confidence when we’re quietly doubting ourselves, or the mask of having it all together when we’re struggling beneath the surface. This episode is about what happens when we take those masks off and allow ourselves to be seen as we really are. It’s about authenticity, vulnerability, and the kind of connection that’s possible when we stop trying to look perfect. So, in honor of Halloween, here’s a replay of The Masks We Wear.
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Halloween always gets me thinking about the idea that Halloween it’s not the only time of year we wear masks…we actually wear them every day. These everyday masks, or social masks, as they’re referred to in psychology, allow us to choose how we portray ourselves to others and decide which versions of ourselves and our personalities we want to share. Years ago, I became very aware of the mask I sometimes wore when I was in public with my kids. It was the mask of a mom who always kept her cool. Now, I’d always been a generally easygoing person, but there were times when I was out in public that I could feel myself suppressing my irritation and frustration with my kids and the minute we were in the car or out of earshot of others, the mask came off and all of my pent-up feelings came pouring out. I’d get into the car, shut the door, and just start screaming. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the tools I have now to know how to handle my frustration or to manage my mind. When I started to feel annoyed or embarrassed in public, out came the mask. I’d put it on to protect me from judgment and criticism. I really believed that it would shield me from others’ disapproval of me as a mom and as a parent educator. Without it, I would feel exposed, and I’d have to admit my shortcomings. I’d have to admit that I didn’t always keep my cool and that I wasn’t always the mom I wanted to be.
Some of you may have heard the term “Imposter Syndrome.” That’s basically the fear that the world is going to find you out. You feel like a fake, a fraud, like you aren’t really successful, but you’re posing as though you are. It’s the fear that you don’t really belong. And this is one of our most primitive fears as humans. Back when we were evolving, we were part of a pack — we needed each other to survive. If we were rejected from our group, it usually meant that there was something wrong with us — like we were sick and contagious — and when we were cast out, when we were isolated, it left us vulnerable to predators, which meant possible death. So our brains still believe that now right? We’re not in caves, we’re not running from lions and tigers and bears, Oh my!…but we still think that rejection from a group equals a sort of death. A social death, if you will.
So, we often behave in ways to get approval and to blend in. We sometimes don’t want to be our authentic selves because that would mean revealing our flaws and imperfections and risk feeling rejected or vulnerable. So we pretend, we lie, we play it safe by hiding behind masks of happiness and confidence. Sometimes we put on the mask of perfection. We may put on the mask of a tough girl, a goofball, or a victim. All of these masks — and there are others — they try to protect us from being disconnected from others, but they’re actually creating the disconnection, right? Like, when we aren’t being true to ourselves, we can’t attract that real connection that we crave so much into our lives. We have to keep up the facade and eventually it catches up with us. That’s why so many moms I talk to will tell me that they feel like they’ve “lost” themselves…they don’t even know who they are anymore. They’ve gotten so caught up in people pleasing and trying to get everyone else’s approval, that they no longer approve of themselves.
Now, I would be remiss in talking about vulnerability and authenticity without mentioning Brené Brown. Brené is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, and has spent the last ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She’s the author of four #1 New York Times bestsellers. Her TED talk called The Power of Vulnerability, is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world with over 35 million views. So I’ll link up to all her stuff in today’s show notes. Brené says that staying vulnerable and authentic is what leads to connection. And she defines authenticity as the “daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” So, if we go with that definition, we need to ask ourselves two important questions: # 1. Who do we think we’re supposed to be? And # 2. Who are we, really?
I used to have all these thoughts about who I was supposed to be as a parent coach. I thought I was supposed to have it all figured out. I thought I was supposed to stay calm under all circumstances. I was supposed to have an answer for every mom about how to handle every situation, and for sure I was supposed to have the best-behaved kids because if I didn’t, then it reflected on me and why would anyone want to hire a parent coach whose kids were behaving like, well… kids? But I learned that when I shared with my clients my experiences of being scared, and anxious, and irritable, they felt more connected to me and trusted me even more because they thought, “Oh, I can really relate to her” and “She gets me. She understands my struggles and she’s been able to overcome many of them.”
In Brené’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me, she coined the term “vulnerability hangover” to describe the feeling you get after you’ve shared something personal with someone and then you think to yourself: “Oh my God! What did I just do? Why did I just share that? What was I thinking?” So back in 2014, I shared on my blog that I was getting a divorce. And as someone who taught about relationships, kids, and marriage, I felt like a huge failure. Thankfully, my vulnerability hangover only lasted about an hour — until the comments, and e-mails, and texts, and phone calls all started rolling in. The support and encouragement I received from friends, family, even people I’d never met before was overwhelming and inspiring. Although privately I had sought professional help to deal with my emotions, as well as support from a few friends and family members, I hid my vulnerability from most people because I didn’t want to risk being open to criticism, disapproval, and rejection. I feared I’d be judged as not being “good enough.” Not lovable enough for my husband, not smart enough to know how to save my marriage, and not successful enough to teach others about relationships. But being authentic and honest about my struggles on the blog actually unlocked the door to new friendships and deeper connections. Some people opened up to me about their own marital problems and divorces. Others reached out to offer their companionship or help with child care. Mostly, people let me know that I could count on them to be there for me in whatever way I needed them. I felt relieved, reassured, and comforted knowing that I wasn’t alone.
We can feel so inadequate when we compare ourselves with others and think, “Oh, that mom has it all together, why can’t I be more like her?” When we see all those smiling family portraits or vacation photos online. But here’s the thing – we’re comparing where we are in our journey to where they are in theirs.. Or we may be comparing our insides to someone else’s outsides, and possibly just seeing the mask that that person is showing us. We’re comparing the unmasked version of ourselves to the masked version of someone else. And if we could see behind the mask of that person, we’d realize, “Oh! They’re exactly like me. They have their own struggles and challenges to deal with that I know nothing about because life is about that 50/50.”
Now, I want to say that being authentic doesn’t mean that you have to let it all hang out, that you don’t use good judgment or boundaries. I believe there’s an appropriate time/place for being vulnerable and with certain people…I’ve known some people to say some pretty rude or inappropriate things in the name of being honest or authentic. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about living your life feeling your feelings instead of resisting, reacting to, or avoiding them. I’m talking about being willing to experience the discomfort that’s required to achieve your goals and take your life to the next level. I’m talking about being willing to always tell yourself the truth instead of making excuses, blaming other people, or hiding behind a mask. The way to do that is to start with some self-reflection and look at the thoughts you’re thinking day to day, right? And ask yourself those questions about who you think you’re supposed to be and who you actually are.
Are you aware of your masks? What parts of yourself are you hiding? How does the mask protect you? And are you willing to take it off and risk being vulnerable in order to feel true connection — not only with others, but with yourself? If you’re ready, I can help. One of the benefits of having a coach is being able to say anything without being judged or criticized. I know I’ve said this before, but my job is to hold the space for you to be your true self, warts and all. If you want help unmasking yourself, sign up for a free mini-session with me at lessdramamoremama.com/mini. Alright, mama. I hope you have a great week, a happy and safe Halloween. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye, bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
