You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 343: The Truth About Parenting Every Mom Needs to Hear
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hey there, mama. Today I want to talk about something that doesn’t get enough attention: the messiness of parenting. And not just the physical mess—though there’s plenty of that. It’s the emotional mess, the unpredictability, the “I thought I had this figured out, but clearly, I don’t” moments. I spend a lot of time on this podcast sharing ways to handle things in an ideal way—how to respond calmly when you feel triggered, how to set boundaries around your time and space, how to stay connected to your kids when they’re pulling away. And all of that is helpful. But today, I want to make sure you know that even when you try your best, even when you use every tool I’ve ever talked about, things are still going to go sideways sometimes, and it’s not a sign that you’re doing it wrong. It’s just life.
Have you ever had one of those days where you just nail it? Like, you stay totally calm when your kid is having a meltdown, you compassionately validate their feelings, you follow through on a consequence lovingly, and it actually works? You think, “Wow, look at me. I am an emotionally regulated, conscious parent. I should write a book.” And then, the next day, you do the exact same thing, and your kid looks at you like, “Nice try, mom. Not happening. I reject your calm tone and logical reasoning.” And suddenly, you’re in the middle of a full-on power struggle, wondering what the heck just happened. Well, kids aren’t robots. They don’t respond the same way every time because their moods change, their needs shift, and sometimes they just wake up feeling off, just like you do. Because you’re not a robot either. You can’t be perfectly regulated, patient, and wise 100% of the time. There isn’t a parenting formula where you plug in the right response and always get the same result. I remember one morning when my kids were younger and everything was flowing beautifully. Everyone got ready on time, I packed nutritious lunches, we even had a meaningful conversation in the car on the way to school. I felt like I had finally cracked the code! And then the very next morning? Total chaos. Same routine, same approach, completely different outcome. One kid couldn’t find her shoes, the other refused to eat breakfast, and I found myself raising my voice in frustration.
I used to think that if I could just figure out the right way to handle things and I did everything perfectly, then I’d avoid all problems, my kids would just listen and cooperate, and everything would flow smoothly. Um. Turns out, that’s not how it works. Of course, there are certain ways of handling things that work better than others, but the goal of motherhood isn’t to eliminate the mess. It’s to build the resilience to handle the mess without letting it take over. Your kids are gonna have meltdowns. You’re going to lose your patience sometimes. You’re going to say things that you immediately regret. And none of that means you’re failing. It just means you’re having a human experience.
You know those moments where you react in a way that you know is not great, but you can’t stop yourself? Maybe your kid is whining, and you’ve got a ton on your mind, and before you can even think, you snap, “Would you just stop?!” And then there’s that awful silence, you see the hurt in their eyes, and you’re like, “Ugh. Why did I just say that?” I’ve had those moments. Lots of them. And I know that feeling of guilt that creeps in afterwards. But those moments don’t define me as a parent. What matters most is how I show up over time. One of the best things about parenting being messy is that it gives us so many opportunities to repair. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Hey, I didn’t handle that well. I was frustrated, and I snapped. I’m sorry.” And you know what? Those moments are powerful because they teach my kids that it’s safe to make mistakes and that they don’t have to be perfect either. No matter what your family looks like or what challenges you’re facing—whether your kids are tiny and seemingly attached to you 24/7, or they’re bigger and dealing with friend drama and screen time battles, there’s no escaping the unpredictability and uncertainty of life. Some days will flow, and others will feel like you’re swimming upstream the entire time. And that’s actually okay. Think about the amount of pressure you put on yourself to get it right. To be the perfect balance of firm and kind, to always know the right thing to say, to never overreact, to somehow meet everyone’s needs all the time. It’s impossible! No one does it. Not me, not you, not even the biggest parenting influencers right now like Dr. Becky or Dr. Shefali. What if, instead of beating yourself up when things don’t go as planned, you just accepted that sometimes it’s gonna be messy? That sometimes you’ll feel triggered, and sometimes you’ll handle it beautifully, while other times you’ll totally blow it?
One thing that helps me is simply acknowledging out loud when things aren’t working. Sometimes I’ll just look at my kids and say, “Well, this is not going how I planned” or “Hold on, I need a do-over.” There’s something powerful about just naming it. It cuts through the tension and reminds everyone, including me, that we’re all just figuring this out as we go. And on those really tough days, I’ve learned to lower the bar. Way down. Maybe today success looks like everyone getting fed. Something, anything. Maybe it’s finding five minutes to connect with each of my kids, even if the house is a disaster. I’m not saying don’t try your best. I’m not saying don’t keep learning and growing. I’m just saying don’t expect perfection. Expect messiness. Expect trial and error and to have to repair sometimes. If you take nothing else from this episode, I want you to take this: parenting is supposed to be messy.
So mama, the next time you find yourself in the middle of the mess—whether it’s a tantrum in the grocery store, a morning where nothing goes right, or a moment where you just can’t find your patience—take a deep breath and remind yourself: this isn’t a detour from the parenting journey. It IS the journey.
And you’re doing it, every single day. The fact that you care enough to listen to podcasts like this one already tells me you’re committed to being the best parent you can be. You’ve got this, mama. And I’m here to help you navigate through the messiness, every step of the way. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and you’d like more personalized help, I’d love to talk with you about how I can best support you. Reach out to me via email at pam@lessdramamoremama.com or send me a DM on Instagram @lessdramamama. Because especially in the mess, you don’t have to figure this out all alone. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you again next time. Bye!
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
