You are listening to the Less Drama More Mama podcast, episode 329: Transform Holiday Family Drama into Peaceful Gatherings
This is Less Drama More Mama, the podcast for moms who want to feel calm, in control, and confident about how to handle anything life throws their way. If you’re ready to go from feeling frazzled and disrespected to feeling calm and connected, this is the podcast for you. I’m your host, Pam Howard.
Hello, mama! Welcome to the show! Today we’re talking about a topic that’s especially relevant at this time of year: family drama. Episode 69 also covers this topic, and I highly recommend you check it out because I talked about the basics of dealing with difficult family members and shared several strategies that lay the foundation for what we’re talking about today. I also want to expand on that conversation because this is a topic that’s come up a few times recently in my Damn Good Mama group, and is just so universal.
Now, real quick — speaking of Damn Good Mama — I want more moms to experience what it’s like to parent with less drama, and I believe so strongly in the value of my program that for the first time ever, I’m offering a “Parent with Peace of Mind” guarantee. You can try Damn Good Mama for two months and get a taste of my coaching, the community, and the life-changing content. If you decide at the two-month mark that it’s not the right fit, you’ll only pay for those initial months instead of the full six-month commitment. I know the tools and strategies work – I use them myself and teach them to other moms every day. So if you’ve been thinking about joining us in Damn Good Mama and you want to experience firsthand the difference it makes in your parenting, DM me on Instagram or email me at pam@lessdramamoremama.com to let me know and I’ll send you more details. This offer is good through the end of November.
And speaking of drama-free parenting, let’s get back to today’s topic. In episode 69, I shared several strategies for handling difficult family members, including having an exit strategy when you feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or irritable and becoming an anthropologist – observing people with curiosity instead of judgment. Both of those approaches still have value. But today, I want to build on that anthropologist concept and take it even further. Because something I’ve observed is that we often complain that certain family members won’t see things from our perspective, when we’re equally closed off to seeing things from theirs. We want them to be more understanding, but we’ve already decided we know exactly who they are and what they’re about. So instead of just observing with curiosity, what if we actually got curious out loud? What if, instead of just wondering “why does she do that?” we actually asked?
Let’s say you have a family member who constantly gives unsolicited advice about your parenting choices. Every family gathering, they have something to say about your teenager’s study habits or your middle schooler’s friend choices. Maybe in the past you’ve gotten defensive, avoided them, or vented about it to anyone who would listen. I want to invite you to lean in and get curious. Instead of immediately shutting down when the advice starts flowing, what if you began asking questions like, “What challenges did you face parenting teenagers?” “How did you handle friendship dynamics with your kids?” You might discover that behind all that advice is someone who navigated their own difficult parenting decisions and genuinely wants to help you avoid similar struggles. Here’s a challenge for you: Before your next family gathering, pick one person you find difficult and make it your mission to truly understand their perspective. Not to agree with it, necessarily, but to understand it. Think like a fascinated anthropologist studying a new culture.
Here’s another example: Your mother-in-law frequently comments on your parenting choices – perhaps criticizing how you handle your teenager’s attitude or questioning your decision to let your 12-year-old son quit the travel soccer team. Instead of defending yourself, what if you responded with, “That’s interesting, what would you do in this situation?” You might learn that her criticism comes from her own regrets about pushing her kids too hard, or not pushing them enough.
Getting curious about someone else’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to stay quiet about your own. But a lot of moms tend to either bite their tongues to keep the peace, or get so frustrated that they end up snapping. There’s a middle ground that involves using your voice with grace. You could say to your mother-in-law, “I know you value commitment and worry this might teach him to give up when things get hard. I actually thought carefully about this decision. I noticed how the intense schedule was affecting his grades and anxiety, and I want to teach him to listen to himself and make choices that support his well-being. Even though it’s different from how you might have handled it, I feel good about supporting him in this decision.” When you come at it this way, you’re opening up a real conversation while still staying confident in your own parenting choices. Remember, you’re not responsible for changing anyone else’s opinions, feelings, or behavior. Your job is to show up as the person you want to be, regardless of how others behave. And sometimes, the most growth happens when we lean into uncomfortable situations rather than avoiding them.
Next, I want to talk about being proactive with your kids during the holidays. Because these holiday gatherings can be overwhelming for them, too. And overwhelmed kids can lead to fighting, frustration, and meltdowns. A lot of this behavior happens because the holidays disrupt everything kids count on: their routines, their space, their food choices, their downtime. Plus, they’re dealing with extra stimulation, late nights, and lots of sugar. It’s a recipe for disaster if we’re not proactive. So here are a few things to consider before your next family gathering: First, set clear expectations – both what they can expect and what you expect of them. You might say, “We’re going to Grandma’s house for four hours. There will be lots of people there, and Aunt Sarah’s kids will be playing in the basement. I expect you to say hello to everyone when we get there, and to use our signal if you need a break instead of whining.”
Now, the signal is something you work out with your kids ahead of time. It could be as simple as them tugging their ear, or using a code word or phrase like “I’m thirsty” – something that won’t draw attention or possibly upset anyone, but lets you know they need a break. With older kids, you might agree that texting you a simple emoji means “I want to get outta here.” Then decide exactly what happens when they give you the signal. Maybe they go get their book from the car, or you ask them to help you grab something from the kitchen, or you take a little walk together. The key is that both you and your child know exactly what the signal means and what will happen next. For younger kids, you might want to practice this at home. “Okay, let’s pretend we’re at Grandma’s and you’re feeling bored and tired. Show me what you’ll do to let me know.” This helps them feel more confident they’ll remember what to do in the moment.
Try to maintain some routines even during special occasions. If your 10-year-old still needs downtime to read before bed, plan for that. If your teenager gets cranky without regular meals, bring snacks. You don’t have to keep every routine, but keeping the most important ones can prevent a lot of drama.
And let’s talk about those uncomfortable relative interactions. Maybe Uncle Jim always comments on their grades, or Grandma keeps pushing them to perform their latest piano piece for everyone. Instead of hoping it won’t happen this year, have a conversation with your kids ahead of time. You might say: “You know how Grandma loves to hear you play piano? Let’s decide together how you want to handle that. Would you be comfortable playing one short piece early in the visit? Or would you prefer to let Grandma know ahead of time that you’re not performing this year?” For older kids, you could say: “I know Uncle Jim tends to ask a lot of questions about school and college. How would you like to handle those conversations? We could come up with some brief responses together, or I could help redirect the conversation if you’re feeling uncomfortable.” Now, this isn’t about scripting every possible interaction or preventing all problems, but giving your kids some tools and letting them know you have their backs. When kids know what to expect, have clear strategies for handling uncomfortable situations, and know exactly how to take breaks when they need them, they’re much more likely to feel secure and genuinely enjoy family time.
If you’re finding yourself struggling with these dynamics and want more support, now is the perfect time to join us in Damn Good Mama. With my Black Friday “Parent with Peace of Mind” guarantee, you can go into the December holidays feeling confident in your parenting decisions, knowing exactly how to handle difficult conversations, and actually looking forward to family gatherings instead of dreading them. To learn more about this limited-time offer, just DM me on Instagram or email me at pam@lessdramamoremama.com. Until then, remember: The holidays don’t have to be full of drama. Even with difficult family members, you can choose peace, no matter what’s happening around you. Thanks for listening! If you found this helpful, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts and share this episode with a mama who needs it. Happy Thanksgiving! I’ll talk to you again next week. Bye.
If you enjoy listening to this podcast, and you’re ready to feel calmer, more confident and more at peace in your family and life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation with me to learn about how my coaching can help you achieve the exact life you want. You’ll take the concepts and tools I share in the podcast and apply them to your own life, and as your coach I’ll be there to support you every step of the way. Go to lessdramamoremama.com/mini and sign up now.
