What’s Your Problem?
Marissa enjoys pretending to be a puppy. She gets down on all fours, sticks out her tongue, pants, and barks. She never tires of it. She does it at home, at school, and in public. Other kids think it’s funny. Adults think it’s cute. I think it’s annoying as hell.
I actually have a physical reaction whenever she does this. I tense up, my heart rate increases, and I feel anxious. Please, animal lovers, don’t judge me — I’m just not an animal person. I wasn’t brought up with any pets, and ever since I was little and got knocked down by a large dog, I’ve been afraid of all animals, both big and small.
Also, animals gross me out. (Aside here: yesterday I watched an otter cross the street in front of my car on its way home to the Everglades. Just thinking about it now makes me shudder. If you can think of a clever punch line to “Why did the otter cross the road?” please leave it in the comments below.)
So for a long time, I told Marissa to stop acting like a puppy because it bothered me. Any time she started hanging out her tongue I would let out a deep sigh, roll my eyes, and ask her to go into a different room. I’d raise my voice if she didn’t comply.
Marissa was not deterred. In fact, she may have done it more because she got attention (albeit negative attention) for it. And then I realized something important:
This was my problem, not hers.
Unconsciously, I thought I could make it her problem by getting upset and banishing her from the room. Maybe then she would want to stop. But that didn’t work; I still had the problem.
In any situation, the person who is most bothered or inconvenienced “owns” the problem.
When you feel irritated that your child leaves his clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper, that’s your problem, not his.
When you feel embarrassed that your child acts up in a restaurant, that’s your problem, not hers.
Often, we try to force our kids to change whatever they’re doing that makes us upset. But if you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know that the only person you can control is yourself.
Therefore, rather than trying to change our kids and make them responsible for our problems, we need to take responsibility. When you shift from blaming your kids to taking control of your own thoughts and actions, you can stop feeling so frustrated and powerless.
There are several ways to make this shift. Here are three:
1) Adjust your expectations
2) Set logical consequences
3) Diffuse your triggers
I’ve gone into great detail about all of these in previous posts (links above), but for the sake of today’s post, I’ll use my example with Marissa to illustrate each point.
Adjust my expectations – When I stopped expecting Marissa to quit doing what she enjoyed just because I said so…when I stopped expecting her to act “mature” and realized she was just doing what kids do…I could let go of some of my frustration.
Set logical consequences – Instead of insisting that Marissa leave the room, I told her that whenever she pretended to be a puppy, I would go into a different room. I took responsibility for my problem, while giving her the choice about whether to continue her behavior.
Diffuse my triggers – What’s really going on that makes her behavior so intolerable to me? Is it because I dislike animals? Is it that I’m embarrassed? If so, why? How would my parents have responded to me doing this as a child, and is that why I’m reacting?
I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself, but I know that taking responsibility for my problem is the first step to resolving it.
So – and I mean this in the nicest way possible — what's your problem?
What does your child do that bothers or inconveniences you and how can you take responsibility for your problem? Leave a comment below and let us know.
If you liked this post, please share it with your friends and “like” it on Facebook. And for even more great tips on becoming a calm and connected parent (delivered right to your inbox every Tuesday), please subscribe to this blog.